XXL panties my ass.

24 Aug

I am quite aware I have been absent from the blogging world and I do feel a tinge of guilt for not writing anything new or entertaining for my readers. But I am just having so much fun with my boys this past month that writing hasn’t really been a top priority. And, I’ve started homeschooling B for kindergarten which is much more time-consuming than one may think. Anywho, I do have a bit of something I would like to share.

Wal-Mart lies.

Let me explain.

Last weekend I went on a weekend camping trip with my T, B and my in-laws. We drove from Hamilton, ON to Erie, Pennsylvania. It was a gorgeous day. The weather was perfect, the drive was smooth, the company was even better. We got to the camp in the early evening, set up everything, started a fire, roasted marshmallows. It was camping at it’s finest!

Next day.

T and I made a kickass breakfast over the campfire. During the course of the morning I began to itch. I didn’t know why. I had recently bathed, I hadn’t been in the woods, I do not have crabs, but everything was itchy. I mean, hardcore. The plan for the day was to go into Erie and shop till we dropped, I was hoping the itching would cease and I could enjoy myself. The itching did not cease. I broke out in a rash wherever clothes touched my skin. I was miserable and becoming quite a nasty bitch because of it.

Thinking, thinking, thinking…

*Light bulb* The new laundry soap! I had bought an off-brand laundry soap to save a couple bucks. I must be allergic to it.
We went to Wal-Mart to get me something to wear for the rest of the camping trip. I found the clothes without a problem. Sweatpants, sweatshirt, t-shirt…the camping basics. I had to get underwear too as my undies were in danger of being torn to shreds from my nails clawing at them. Seriously, I had no shame people. I was scratching like a man without an audience.

Surveying the panty isle was depressing. I am a panty snob. I buy my underthings at Victoria’s Secret because every other brand makes my parts feel sad. But I had very little choice in the matter now. My parts would soon be getting stitches and ointment if I didn’t remedy the situation soon, so Wal-Mart panties it was. *somberballs*

I grabbed a couple Medium’s that somewhat appealed to my taste and went into the dressing room. They cut off my circulation, digging deep into my hips and thighs. Holy Balls Batman! Had I gained 50 pounds?

I checked the tags. Apparently a “Medium” is a size 4. Yeah frickin right balls….

I made my way back out to the racks, utterly annoyed. Muttering to myself criticisms about Wal-Mart and apologizing to Victoria’s Secret for my unintentional betrayal. I decided that having to wear Wal-Mart panties would suffice as my punishment for this indiscretion.
Thumbing through the hangers of panties I realized that in this scam of an establishment I am an XL. Seriously… *sigh*

Back to the dressing room.

They were too tight as well. This is so uncool, Wally-Balls.

One last attempt. I resolved to go commando the rest of the weekend if they were tight as well.

XXL…fit. You bitch.

Dear Wal-Mart,

Your panties made my parts feel the most sad they had ever felt. If my lady parts had tear ducts, my toes would have been wet all weekend from the disconsolate river of  tears flowing down my legs. Also, your sizing is a crock of balls. I detest you and your panties. Well done on making me feel ginormous and assaulting my self-esteem.

You Suck Balls,


P.S. It was your cheap off-brand detergent that made me itchy in the first place. I hate you.

A protest in Utah against Wal-Mart

I stand with these women. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hurry up, it’s time to watch Star Wars.

8 Aug

Do not worry, I am alive. All is well here in Canadaland. In fact, more than well. I have my B back!

And I have precisely “2 and 5-half minutes” to type this post, as B is watching the clock… We have Star Wars: Attack of the Clones to finish watching. By the way, the guy who plays Anakin Skywalker almost ruins the movie for me every time we watch it. Seriously, I think they could have done better. It’s painful.

“1 and 3-half minutes left, Momma.”

We’ve been busy enjoying the beautiful summer weather, cuddling, fighting crime as Thor and Iron Man and playing Wii. Every time I have attempted to grab some time for myself to write, B grabs my right arm and refuses to give it back. That being said, he is still craving my attention and I couldn’t be happier to give it to him. I have to get whatever time I can with him, because I won’t always be the coolest person to hang with… Imagine that?!?


I hope everyone is enjoying August so far. I sure am!

Happy Wednesday Balls, from me and B!


A wagon ride at the Ice Cream Festival @ Westfield Heritage Village. (He enjoyed the free ice cream. I cursed my allergy.)

Google: Pubic Hair

26 Jul

People come to my blog through many doorways. Most commonly by Facebook, Email and Stumbleupon. When people come to my site through those means, I am unsure what they are searching for. I wonder what has brought them here and if they enjoyed what they found. I encourage you to leave a comment or rate my posts, so I can get to know you whilst improving my writing!

But there is another means to reach my site. A more personal path. A route that tells me exactly what you are looking for.

Search Engines.

Do not fear. My technology is not advanced enough to know who you are or where to find you, but, I do know what you come seeking.

Pubic Hair Related Material.

Today, several people or maybe just one person with a lot of pubic hair related needs, came to my blog via search engine by typing in “My husband sheds pubic hair” “Pubes” “pubic hair loss reasons” “Man losing pubes” “genital hair loss”.

This is not the first time a search for pubes has led people to My Life of Cards. A while back I wrote a post pertaining to my husband’s shedding of short, black and kinkies which happen to describe ALL his body hair. One can not be too cautious, they are all pubes when found and must be approached accordingly.

I hope you read THIS post and
1. Felt less alone in your battle against pube shedding
2. Found the solution to your pubic hair dilemma. On a personal note, bathing my husband and brushing him out afterward has downgraded our shedding situation tremendously.

Now for a treat! Here are some of the most searched terms that lead people to My Life of Cards, in no particular order because during the process of “copy and paste” it went all wacky. I responded to what I could.

why do people say balls (because it’s a versatile word and fun to say)

miracles, are they real (Yes, I believe so.)

i hate idaho (Ditto.)

cards about balls (I haven’t made one yet, but come back later… I’ll write one just for you!)

how to get rid of a fat crotch (I Googled this as you did. The only true way to rid yourself is lipo or starvation. Sorry. Feel less alone by reading THIS!)

sexy husbands (Aren’t they nice!?)

i can see your nipple (You’re welcome or I’m sorry.)

dwarf female (Mine is a wizard, what’s yours?)

Where is God? (Good, deep question. Simple answer, God is everywhere.)

female dwarf with bow

holy balls expression (HOLY BALLS!)

jenny mccarthy crotch (No porn here…)

coffee snob (Yes, it’s true.)

tired of being a doormat quotes (I have a card for you, HERE!)

girls period card (Another card, HERE!)

jenny mccarthy crotch shot (Again, no porn.)

American Flag (USA, USA!)

crazy bitch (I don’t know if bitch would be the right word.)

why balls? (I ask myself this all the time.)

dirty housewife (Sometimes.)

Balls Humour (You’ve come to the right blog, my friend.)

condoms (Are uncomfortable but less uncomfortable than AIDS.)

facial hair (Shave it, Wax it, or Embrace it.)

is summer sausage good on an all protein diet? (Yeah and so is Salami, Pepperoni, and Balls… Sorry that was rude. No, it’s not healthy, period.)

neighbor is sexy (Aww thank you!)

i have a fat crotch (Me too, sorry.)

teen guys who kill their girlfriends (Creepy)

fat dimpled butt (Hey! Have you been spying on me???)

girls blood on my undies (Sounds like a job for the dry cleaners, buddy.)

concussion (Suck balls.)

pubes everywhere when i sweep (ME TOO!)

thumbs up (You betchya!)

petting my arm hair (This makes me feel very insecure.)

crack house living room (I had one of those. HERE!)

crotch to crotch exercise (Now this sounds like fun, tell me more in the comments!)

she gets f***** from behind because she is so ugly (That’s just mean…)

doormats behaviour

fatcrotches (Yes yes, I get it.)

bad hair card (Right HERE!)

terry cloth material on fat people (I threw away those shorts, btw.)

fat crotch (Again, check.)

sausage and condom (I see you’ve come across a similar situation.)

scottish eyebrows (I knew a pair once!)

i got a card prison talk (Please elaborate!)

hot white girl gets drunk (responsibly… have we met?)

hibiscus refresher diarrhea (Hmm… Maybe you reacted to the caffeine?)

scottish thick eyebrows

My life sucks (Let’s chat. Email me at mylifeofcards@yahoo.com)

my life of cards lacey (You found me!)

condom filling cartoon

obama you didnt do that (Oh, one of YOU people.)

emotionally unstable post concussion syndrome (Me too. Check out THIS SITE  it’s a wealth of information.)

does intoxication justify infidelity (No, Dumbass. But it does other things HERE!)

tired being doormat (Then strap on your boots and kick down some doors! I believe in you!!!)

That’s 1/3 of the list. People seem to be searching for a lot nowadays and I am glad I can be one to help. Leave a question in the comments and I will respond promptly, you can also email me at mylifeofcards@yahoo.com. No question is too little or too big. I am a fountain of information and advice. I also am full of wit and sarcasm and might not be of much help depending on your question and my mood.

One last thing before I close. What the heck is “Hencet” and why does that word bring people here? It’s a top searched word (sometimes it’s coupled with other random words) and I have yet to figure out what it is or who it is. Search engines bring up a mix bag of weirdballs with those terms. I don’t understand. Will someone please solve this mystery for me!

Happy Thursday Balls!

And The Winner Is…

25 Jul

And the winner is, well, we’ll never know. In the blog world, unless you’re getting visitors in the millions, you apparently only get nominations for imaginary awards.

Cheers and many thanks go out today to two bloggers who have nominated me for two separate awards. That’s right, two. And I have crowned myself victorious because it’s my blog, and it’s an imaginary award, and balls.

The first award bestowed upon me comes from Kelly over at mytwicebakedpotato.com.

Her blog offers up advice based on experience raising a twice exceptional child. She does not claim to have all the answers but when reading her blog, you will in the least not feel alone in your struggles to parent a child with special needs. Go check her out and show some love. She’s doing as an awesome job as a mother and blogger!

These fake awards have rules. Imagine that?

1. Thank the person that nominated you and provide a link to their blog. (LOOK ABOVE. I DID IT!)

2. Tell 7 things that most people may not know about you.

* I am allergic to milk.
* Cats attack me for no reason.
* I would like to open a gourmet bistro catering to the masses who live with food allergies.
* I want to learn Gaelic because I think it would look cool on a resume but serve no real purpose.
* When I was young I wanted to be a gas attendant when I grew up. (I settled for coveralls)
* Given the proper amount of time, I can imitate most singers. I do a great Britney Spears, Taylor Swift, Norah Jones, and I am currently perfecting Adele!

3. Nominate 7 bloggers and let them know about the nomination.

When I nominated bloggers for the last award I received, only 4 bloggers replied to their nomination, and 1 did a post (I think). I believe most bloggers find these awards to be like chain letters and delete them like a forward from a friend in their email. Not that I care either way… since I have already deemed myself the winner. But beings I am the winner, I shall pass the imaginary torch to fellow bloggers who can choose to run with it, or throw it in the trash. Either way, I hope you check out the blogs I link. They are entertaining, inspiring, procrastination enabling and most of all… my favourites. That counts for something, yes?

* The 200 (Wonderful posts in 200 words or less, enjoy!)
* Shut Up Dad (Andrew is hilarious and can brighten any dreary day of mine.)
* Anxiety and Biscuits (Chris admires my usage of balls, he’s a shoo-in.)
* The Lift Blog (She’ll inspire you and make you think.)
* My Parents are Crazier than Yours (Yes they are)
* Clotilda Jamcracker (Weird name, cool blog. Good for gardening/thrifty information as well as giggles. Just found it today!)
* Expert of None (She’s Jill of all trades! She offers up a mixed bag of balls for everyone and everything.)

So there you have it! Thanks again Kelly @ mytwicebakedpotato.com!

On to my second win! Chris Biscuits over at Anxiety and Biscuits bestowed upon me the One Lovely Blog Award!

Chris read my blog and took a liking to my writing, and in particular, my usage of balls. I knew from the moment he created his own ball-word we were destined to be followers of one another! I urge you to check out his blog as it’s one of my favourites. He writes of his humourous struggle through the basics of life. I enjoy his interesting encounters with women, like this one HERE! Thank you Chris, I gladly accept the award nomination and crown myself winner!

Now for the rules. Yeah, they all seem to have rules.

1. Thank the person who nominated you and link back to them in your post. (Did it!)
2. Share seven possibly unknown things about yourself.

* I am terrible with math. Put a letter in an equation and I’m out.
* I have a girl crush on Felicia Day and Taylor Swift.
* I get wrapped up in classic novels. So much so that I find myself talking in Old English.
* I am a food critic. (Non-Professionally)
* I can not open my eyes under water without goggles or I’ll drown.
* I read the Twilight Books and have watched all the movies several times over even though they are terrible.
* I want to go ice fishing.

3. Nominate 5 bloggers you admire. (I totally already named a bunch up there. But lucky for you, I have more favourites!)

* Jake’s Blog
Joe’s Shitty Ideas
* My Life is a Romantic Comedy
* 29 to Life
* Crafting Glass

4. Contact the chosen bloggers to let them know and link back to them. (Yup, will do.)

So there you have it! Thank you to my fellow bloggers for the awards. Thank you to my friends, family, admirers, followers, and God.

Happy Wednesday Balls!

The “Senior Citizen” Card

24 Jul

Usage Guidelines: Use for discounts, excusing behaviour, and pension activation.

Expiration: Never. There is no going back.

Congratulations, you’re old! 65 is a special age and so many wonderful things come to you in this stage of life. For 1, this cool card.

My grandparents, Moose and Pops, use this card well. They take full advantage of the discounts wherever offered. And seriously, I am jealous. It’s wicked cheap to eat out, which is a good thing for them because my Gramma Moose could easily burn a house down.

Businesses even hold Senior Citizen Days and the oldies come out in droves to snatch up the good deals! Watch out for the tiny old women on these days, they are more aggressive than one may think.

I have two firsthand examples of this card being used.

A couple of years ago I was grocery shopping at a local store. I believe it was a day when the government issued their checks to the low-income elderly as the younger crowd was severely outnumbered 10-2. This didn’t bother me, I just remember thinking there were a lot of Senior Citizens out…perhaps there was a special sale? I did not know.

I went about doing some quick shopping. I was mostly there for sick food and Kleenex as it was cold season. I grabbed some cold medicine and headed down the aisle for the Kleenex. The nice stuff, 3-ply with aloe, was on special! There was one left on the shelf, I reached for it and then recoiled as my arm was whacked with a cane.

I turn to face the cane wielder and to give him/her a piece of my mind. There stands an elderly woman in her 80’s, no more than 4 feet 5 inches tall.

Her- “So sorry Deary. I was trying to reach for the Kleenex. Would you be so kind?” Her headed nodded strangely at me.

Me- “Oh that’s ok. I have a hard time reaching things too, glad I can help for once.” The old lady was so sweet sounding, I could not be mad at an accident. I grabbed the regular Kleenex that had been next to the one I took.

Her- “Well that won’t do deary. See, when you are as old as me your skin is like paper. And nowadays it seems I am always taken ill or mourning the loss of a friend. I need the one with aloe deary, for my frail skin.” She nods her head at me again.

I understand what she is getting at. She is nodding at my box of Kleenex in my basket. The last one of the good stuff, on sale. I take a few seconds to process this. I am quite sure she meant to whack me with the cane, and I am quite sure she is pulling out her Senior Citizen Card to get what she wants from me…

She begins to hold out her arms towards me, her hands shaking. She is waiting for me to come to my conclusion and gift her with the coveted Kleenex.
I hand her my box of Kleenex and grab the crappy stuff for myself. Well played old lady, well-played.

My second example:

Senior Citizens tend to have amazing gardens. It must be all their years of knowledge coupled with massive amount of free time. It also might have to do with them stealing water. If you live next to an elderly person with an immaculately kept garden, green and lush, in the middle of a summer drought… keep your eyes on him/her.

A couple of weeks ago I spied an elderly gentlemen on our block grabbing the hose of their neighbor, dragging it across their driveway and watering his own flower beds. Perhaps he had permission to do so, but I highly doubt as he was looking up and down the block frequently.

I am sure he had it all planned out if he was to get caught too. I bet it would consist of him referring to how his wife passed away or how weak he’s become since he’s lost all reasons to live except for keeping his garden green or how it was too hard for him to turn the knob on his own hose with his arthritis, or simply that he was confused and lost. It would probably end with the elderly man getting away with it, and somehow the younger couple feeling bad or guilty in some strange way.

These “Senior Citizen” Card toting people are master manipulators. WATCH OUT! For the sake of your water bill and other stuff.

old age at Rotchild BLVD

Here are some Senior Citizens discussing their master manipulator ways as they pretend to be sweet old people, taking a rest on a beautiful day. (Photo credit: shyb)

Ignorance is a Sack of Balls

18 Jul

I feel frustrated with people who lack the motivation to be informed. They jump on the bandwagon of whatever, without the slightest thought to gain knowledge on the subject, they just hop on the wagon fully trusting in the cause. And when offered facts and logic opposing said wagon, they deny it and continue on. I am sick of it. The latest bit of ignorance that is bothering me pertains to the most recent republican media approach. President Obama bashing as per the usual, but for some reason, this one is annoying me more. Not because I’m a crazy Obama supporter, but because these signs are getting really irritating on Facebook and I’m in the mood to write about ignorance. (Apparently my annoyed rants have not been hampered by my lack of a muse. If anything, I am more aggressive. Be warned.)


People have been running wild with these. Do they open wide every time the media spoon feeds them propaganda? It appears most do.

People take a statement out of context whenever the opportunity arises. It’s sad how much time people are putting into creating these misleading signs and the number of uninformed people who post them. Isn’t there something positive you could do instead? I would rather read about the positive things your candidate is doing, instead of  seeing these stupid signs about Obama.

I want to ask these people who are spreading the gimmick:

Did you watch or listen to the speech for yourself before posting them? Do you know that the line before “you didn’t build that” was referring to infrastructure?

This line was part of a much bigger point about how it takes society’s help to build a successful business. That it takes a lot more than a single person and a brilliant idea to bring a dream into reality. It takes the encouragement of friends and family, the financial support of your community and the knowledge of others around you to build something substantial. Can you deny this? If you do, well, aren’t you full of yourself…

I don’t mind people having a difference of opinion. I love a good old fashion debate, fueled by passion and knowledge. But these signs, well, they are anything but knowledgeable. In fact they scream “I’m an easily manipulated fool!”

Do you really think that these signs will sway a voter or that they make your party look like the better choice? Doubtful. Frankly, all I see is immaturity.

I beg of you, do not place yourself in the company of pre-made ideas. Leave the childish, uniformed ads to the media. Be above all that nonsense and do something tangible for your cause. Find the facts and defy ignorance. I don’t even care where you end up aligning yourself politically or religiously or the like… I honestly don’t care. Just whatever you choose, whatever you stand for and represent, represent it with integrity, honesty and knowledge.

Happy Wednesday Balls.

“Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.”
Martin Luther King Jr.

“You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant.”
Harlan Ellison

“The greatest enemy of knowledge is not ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge.”
Stephen Hawking

“Time after time, history demonstrates that when people don’t want to believe something, they have enormous skills of ignoring it altogether.”
Jim Butcher

“No matter how big the lie; repeat it often enough and the masses will regard it as the truth.”
John F. Kennedy

Sorry Balls

18 Jul

Let me put it all out there for my followers, this month is no longer the Month of Cards and has lost all potential to be called so.

I have become a pile of  depressed balls.

I feel bad because:

1. I broke a promise made to my readers.

2. I have no intention of trying to redeem myself in any way.

I lay in bed day after day doing the bare minimum work required of me around the house. And because T is so enabling accommodating he doesn’t complain and goes about doing whatever it is that should have been done by me when he returns from work.

The only respite from this depressed behaviour is when I interact with humans while playing D&D a couple of evenings out of the week. And even then it’s been ridiculously hard to pull myself out of the dark hole I now live in basement and enjoy myself.

This is where I would attempt to lighten the tone, pour on some hope and make a promise of making it up to you. But I’ll be real with you, that’s not going to happen.

Everything I write since falling into this depression has been rubbish. Nothing is organic, everything is flat.

I need my muse back. Then balance will be restored to my life and my writing will fall in line.

Until then…


Sorry Balls.

(That’s my sorry card being played by the way. Since I am the creator of the cards I have a special deck that has a lot of balls.)



Please enjoy this video linked below. Kids are awesome. I want mine back.

Written By A Kid

Starbucks Review: Refreshers (UPDATED)

11 Jul

I love Starbucks, no shocker there. Today I went to Starbucks with some friends and decided to try out one of their new Refresher drinks because, well, I needed a refresher. (Friday, from noon to 3, they will be giving out tall Refreshers in Cool Lime and Very Berry Hibiscus)

I got the Very Berry Hibiscus and I liked it. It was in fact refreshing, as the name implied. So I have no complaints. The taste was light, very similar to an iced herbal tea except it has crushed black berries in it. I also like their new process of extracting awesomeness from green coffee beans. It’s really cool. You can read about that process or watch a short informative video here!

Some people have criticized the Starbucks line of Refreshers because apparently their marketing implies or misleads people to think it’s healthy, when in fact it offers barely any nutrients in the 40-60 calories found in a size tall.

Well, duh. Anyone who drinks Starbucks know that there are no nutrients to be found in their drinks. And most worth drinking contain 1/4 f your day allotted calories…and they are all empty crap calories. You don’t go to Starbucks for health, you go there for enjoyment. The dissatisfied reviews about the refresher reminded me of all the “McDonald’s food is unhealthy” articles. Duh people. Moving on….

I would give the Very Berry Hibiscus Refresher a B+ overall. The price could be lower, and a tad bit more flavour. It is a very light flavour and I just feel like it could pack a bit more punch, which would make it a bit more refreshing. All in all though, it’s a solid product and gives a nice boost of false energy through the green coffee bean extract.

Well done Starbucks. I love you.

Also as a bonus, I treated myself to a Starbucks mug I have been eying for a while and I didn’t even feel bad about it! I usually feel guilt over indulging myself, but this time, well, I enjoyed the splurge and felt no regret! Yay me =)

I hope everyone is enjoying this nice summer day. Happy Wednesday Balls!


***Many thanks go out to a very special friend who helped me get through missing my B today. Hard work, good company, lunch and Starbucks… you spoil me LA. Love you.***

UPDATE!!! The cup pictured above has received a C+ after 2 uses. The cup is outstanding when it comes to look, feel and keeping my coffee hotter than balls for an extended period of time. Well done! Downfall: When filled, it weighs around 3 pounds and becomes awkward to drink from. It also is a 2 handed cup as my wrist cramps and twitches when lifting with 1 hand. Also, the weight increases when you put the lid on. Add another pound. Sooo… if you have arthritis or weak wrists, do not buy this mug. Yes, it is beautiful but it’s not functional. =(    SAD BALLS.

Why July Sucks Balls.

11 Jul

Did you know July is my favorite month? Well, it is and has been for years. I love everything about July. The weather, the festivals, the fresh produce, the holiday! How could a month that starts with fireworks be anything but extraordinary!?


Well, I’ll tell you.


I had all these hopes and dreams for July. I was going to have my favorite month all to myself. I was to be on a vacation from motherhood. Tanning, reading, eating what I wanted, sleeping nude, cooking nude, having crazy sex anywhere at anytime with T. This month was going to be peaceful and relaxing and free! I would have no responsibilities, nothing pulling me away from writing, this was to be “The Month of Cards”! But unfortunately, this month did not live up to the hype I created in my head.

I find myself too sad to write anything funny. I feel so lonely that I find myself doing absolutely nothing, just waiting for T to come home. I have no motivation to even enjoy the beautiful weather and have tanned all of 1 hour this week. I downloaded my book so I could listen to it because I feel too depressed to read. The plants in my garden are withering away because B would always water them with me in the mornings and evenings. And this morning, well, this morning I had a bit of a melt down.

I cooked bacon and eggs for breakfast. I dished up 2 plates and set them on the table. I called out, “Buggy! Breakfast!” and then silence. B is gone. I sat down looking at my plate, and then to B’s empty seat beside mine. I sobbed into my bacon.

How does one enjoy life without the key ingredient to joy?

I never realized how BIG of a part this little man played in my life. I love him, I enjoy his company, he’s my son. But it’s so much more. Maybe it’s unhealthy, maybe this is normal. Whatever it is, I’ve at least learned something.

I will never take my time with him for granted. Perhaps I haven’t truly been appreciative of my son and all he adds to my life. He’s just always been there, like the sun and moon and stars. I never had to imagine a world without him, because he was always with me.


July Sucks Balls. I didn’t want a learning experience and I didn’t want to search myself and realize I’ve been taking my son for granted. Looking hard into oneself is not relaxing, in fact it’s uncomfortable and sometimes ugly.


I guess I should probably do a bit more growing and thank July for sucking balls. Because it’s made me a better mother, and at least for that, I am truly grateful.


Dear July 2012,

I have thoroughly searched myself and I feel I have grown as an individual and a mother. Now, can I please have some fun?


Your biggest admirer,


The “Irrational Fear” Card

9 Jul

Usage Guidelines: Use when confronted with an irrational fear. If you are unable to decipher an irrational fear from a rational fear, share your fear with a friend. Watch their face for tells as you share. If you see smiles, hear laughter, or the friend responds with, “Are you serious?”, those are all good indications that your fear is in fact, irrational. Grab your card, its in the deck waiting for you.

Expiration: When you finally confront your fear and squash it. Whether it be defeated by force, or through over-priced therapy, congrats! You’re a little less crazy.

I played this card last weekend.

T and I got it into our heads to remove two ugly juniper bushes in the front yard. These bushes reminded me of gnome hats. Not that I have anything against gnomes, I just don’t like bushes that resemble their hats.

The bushes were covered in spider webs. Apparently they were homes to an uncountable number of spiders and spider baby sacs. This fact did not discourage me from aiding in the removal process of these bushes.

I am not scared of spiders.

As T sawed off the branches, I gathered them and placed them in the lawn and garden bag. Soon there was just a tall stump.

I suggested we tie a rope around it and pull it out with the car. Apparently, that was “overkill”.

We began shoveling. The ground began to crawl.

What… Spiders? Ants?

Me: “HOLY BALLS THEY’RE EARWIGS!!!! No, no, no. Absolutely not! Retreat! Retreat!”


Earwig (Photo credit: Mamboman1)

I ran from the excavation site making high-pitch squeals while slapping my shins and rubbing down any exposed skin. I felt them in my hair too and started batting at my head and shaking out my hair.

T just stood there in the earwig swarm, staring at my curiously.

After a bit more oblivious-to-the-world freaking out on my part….

T: Honey?

Me: Earwigs! (still rubbing my skin and now slightly winded from all the jumping about)

T: They won’t hurt you.

Me: I know.

T: Then what’s the problem?

Me: They have lots of legs, they are super fast, they are brown, they are shiny, THEY HAVE PINCERS!!!!

T: I don’t think they can harm you.

Me: That’s what everyone says. But when I was younger, one urinated on me and bit me! (T is still standing in the swarm and it’s making me grow more and more fearful/severely uncomfortable by the minute. They might be on him now, burrowing, planning their attack. He could unknowingly bring them into our house on his body!)

T: Umm, OK. I’ll manage without you.

Me: I’ll get the car ready.

T: That’s OK babe.

The earwigs continue to swarm but luckily T was not harmed while digging.

T broke out the ax to break a couple of roots free. As he swung down on the roots, earwigs took flight.


The danger and creepiness increased by 40% and I confined myself to the porch until the stump was removed.

*Shudder* They can fly….

The good news is the ugly bushes are gone and I thoroughly researched earwigs whilst writing this card and I am 100% sure this irrational fear can be overcome.

I’m thinking of “exposure therapy”. Ill start with pictures, then videos, then the real deals out in my flower bed…. I’ll keep you all posted.

As far as I know I only have one other irrational fear.

Airport Layovers.

Hong Kong International Airport

I would need at least 4 hours for a layover in Hong Kong. The airport is HUGE! Who knows how much time I would need or what could go wrong!!! (Hong Kong International Airport: Photo credit: work the angles)

Layovers lasting 2 hours or more have 50% less fear factor but are still unnerving and bring me anxiety. Layovers under 1 hour in length are avoided at all costs. I would rather pay $200 more for a longer layover and delay my arrival by several hours, than have a short layover. The fear of layovers dissipates once I board my flight, but kicks in again during the descent to meet my connecting flight. Oh, my stomach is in knots just thinking about a short layover. I get extreme anxiety including sweats, heart palpitations, diarrhea and sometimes vomiting during the “anticipation phase” of airport layovers.

Weirdly enough, I love flying.

Can you see my Irrational Fear Card clearly enough?

Do you have an Irrational Fear? I’d love to read about! Share with me in the comments or email me at mylifeofcards@yahoo.com