The “I’m Pregnant” Card

19 Aug

Usage Guidelines: To excuse any behaviour not conforming to society norms OR to scare a partner into commitment (you are a horrible person)

Expiration: The day you give birth (follow-up with “I’m Sleep deprived” or “I’m Depressed” cards)

All of you women who have been knocked up, you know where this is going.

Hey “I’m pregnant”, I’m eating for two! *stuff face repeating without guilt*

Hey “I’m pregnant” so please excuse my bipolar tendencies! I didn’t mean it when I said I didn’t care about your 12-year-old dying cat. And I really didn’t mean it when I said I’d rather be friends with a mute than listen to your hyena-like laugh. Really, it’s just the hormones talking! …Liar! You know you don’t care about the dying cat.

Hey “I’m pregnant” now feel obligated to marry me even though I know you aren’t ready for the commitment but I feel insecure in our relationship… Shame on you.

Playing this card in the first two ways are perfectly acceptable game play. But the third way is grounds for disqualification in my rule book.

We all use the “I’m Pregnant” card in the first two ways to some extent. When you become pregnant its like getting a free pass to forget about the problem areas, the scale and watching your tongue. Yes, some of you women have more restraint and get all “Nutritious” and “Exercise”-y, but the majority of us indulge! All you can eat buffets, Giving into cravings, living in the most comfy sweat pants ever, giving in to emotions and speaking your exact feelings right when you want to. It’s the one time in our lives where we can get fat and not be judged by society. Just remember ladies, only 20 pounds (on average) comes off with delivery. Once that baby is out, society and your doctor will have something to say about the aftermath.

I’ll admit misusing the “I’m Pregnant” card to excuse my behaviour. Anyone who knows me knows I speak with blunt honesty and have no “filter” as I like to call it. Being pregnant gave me a way to justify my harsh words and the actions that followed. It was nice to the “I’m Pregnant” card instead of accepting full responsibility for the lack of grace in my behaviour towards the people in my life. And the occasional stranger…

Word to the wise:
Use this card if you so desire. But the effects of its usage will not disappear once the pregnancy end. You very well could be unhappily and unhealthily overweight without a friend in the world who cares.

I’d like to take this opportunity to apologize for using the “I’m Pregnant” card to justify my sharp tongue and ill willed actions. Whatever I said or did when I was pregnant was because that’s actually what I wanted to say or do.

Hmm… Doesn’t make it better but at least its honest! =)

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2 Responses to “The “I’m Pregnant” Card”

  1. jill August 19, 2011 at 11:41 pm #

    GREAT POST LACEY. I REMEMBER YOU RANTING ON ABOUT THINGS THAT OTHER WOMAN, INCLUDING ME SHOULD HAVE INFORMED YOU OF. HOW OUR BODIES CHANGE AND SOMEHOW ARE TAKEN OVER …

    • Lace August 20, 2011 at 8:46 am #

      Oh yes, I still begrudge ALL of my women friends/family did not inform me of the nasties that come with pregnancy. Why the heck did no one tell me that a sneeze could make me pee my pants… Dinner at that hotel restaurant with the S family ring a bell?!?! Good thing I brought a jacket to tie around my waist.

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