It is the courage to continue that counts. ~Winston Churchill
Leaving the city associated with my physical and emotional pain, as well my countless regretful choices, made it so much easier to find perspective concerning the past 3 years of my life and to focus on my body’s healing. To put it mildly though, I had a lot of crap to sort through and learn from. Over the course of a couple of months I stayed strict to my body’s healing regimen and used a journal to recount the prior three years. Sometimes I would just write everything out as it happened, and other times I would express my emotions through poetry. I addressed everything I was proud of and everything I was ashamed of. I addressed every type of pain and what or who was associated with it. It wasn’t easy looking back in with a clear mind, no longer clouded by narcotics. To see my past as it truly was made me feel terrible inside. What I did to my body and how I misused my parents’ trust was shameful in the least. Oh how I regretted so many things! How do people continue on in life with this feeling and still feel good about themselves? Is it possible?
I found that it wasn’t possible for me. In order to feel good about myself and move on happily in my life, I had to address each regret. I had to “right the wrongs” so to say. Whether it was to my parents, my siblings, a friend, God or myself…
God came first on the list of righting wrongs but he was already in the know. There wasn’t much to tell him since the guy sees everything… I repented for all the sins that stained my soul. I knew I had found forgiveness when he granted me the strength and courage to forge on to the next in line, My parents. I knew there was nothing I could tell them that would change their love for me but seeing their hurt and disappointment was going to be so much harder than baring it all. And it truly was. That day I made an inner-vow to always be transparent and honest with my parents. I kept that vow consistently to this day, excepting one more recent period of time where I felt justified in my reasoning (this will be covered soon). Sometimes I even share when it’s totally unnecessary and contains somewhat inappropriate content for parents… But they love me just the same and take me as I am!
Communicating my regrets with the people I loved became very freeing for me. There were no more secrets looming about. Lacey has some ugly history and everyone knows it. Talk about a weight lifted off my shoulders! Once I took accountability for my actions and everyone I loved had forgiven me, I had to convince my biggest critic that I was deserving of forgiveness and a clear conscience. It wasn’t easy in the least, but I eventually managed to win myself over. I turned the negative choices into positive learning experiences. Then I let go of all the shame and regrets…time to move forward happily.
Now it was time to pursue a life adventure. I was just itching to get out into the world on my own in someway I never thought possible. I was positive my body could handle this now, I could feel it. I wish I would have chosen to go back to college and give a second go at becoming a Child Psychologist, but I didn’t. Perhaps I was too afraid to try again, or maybe it was God’s plan, I really don’t know. But for some reason I got it in my head to become a nanny.
I signed up on a few nanny-search websites and had really good luck right off the bat. Three families were interested in hiring me and actively pursuing me within a month of posting my ad. When it came down to choosing there was one clear choice: The family from Oregon City, OR. They claimed to be a Christian family who was very down to earth and loving. They had two girls ages 10 and 12 who were very active in sports and in need of an “older sister” figure. To top it all off they were very wealthy and offered me a generous wage, a new car to be at my disposal along with a gas allowance, as well as the entire basement of there near-mansion-sized home to call my own. There really didn’t seem to be a down-side to this arrangement. After several emails, phone calls and a background check I shipped my belongings off to Oregon City. Soon after I drove up to Boise with my brother, where I hopped on a plane and arrived at my new life adventure!
(There is a story completely in itself pertaining to the drive from Las Cruces to Boise with my brother, but I’m going to save it for a post that’s coming soon.)
So there I was, Lacey the Nanny. I was living my re-deal and it felt good!