Usage Guidelines: To be used when you are in love and unable to function like a dependable, level-headed person
Expiration: When the side affects of being in love wear off
Oh how I love being in love! Is there anything better? I’d have to answer with a “No”. Love is what everyone in the world lives for. Even the most horrible people in the world crave to be loved. I bet if all the horrible people in the world had found love early on in life, they would only be half as horrible. I say ‘half as horrible’ because lets face it, some people are just destined to be horrible…no amount of love could take that away. It’s not a miracle cure people.
Being in love seems to have an annoying effect on some people though. I’m sure at some point in my many bouts with being in love that I exhibited this chemical reaction that manipulated my ever-dependable self into a forgetful fairy.
You happen to meet an amazing guy during the Meet & Greet session kicking off a weekend spent at a boring work convention. He sweeps in and saves you from dying of boredom while the key-note speaker was covering “The Six Types of Chemical Reaction”. Before you know it, 3 weeks have passed and you’ve been on 19 amazing dates (and counting). Every date seems magical, he must be some sort of demigod. And you’re guessing he must be of Greek descent as he’s chiseled like Heracles. The man-god has captured your very soul, everything you are is now ever-consumed in all things Heracles, or Jason, or Zac…whatever his name is.
You find yourself forgetting to eat, being unable sleep, or return phone calls and text messages to those people who keep haranguing you via technology. Hmm who are those people anyway? … OH! Right! My friends! And those other ones I’ve known my whole life…right, my family. But even now with the remembrance of the other people who exist in your life, you somehow seem to forget about them as soon as wonder-boy text messages you a ❤ totally out of nowhere! Awww, I ❤ you too Herckie! Or Marc, or Nathan….whatever his name is. ❤ ❤ ❤ What was I doing? … Oh right! Making a picture collage with the 15 photos I have of Heracles and Myself, I mean, Matthew errr Carl. …Where did I put my glitter pen???
Two more blissful weeks in Grecian Paradise pass by. You’re so in love that you’ve lost 6 pounds and your skin is literally glowing from the contact of his superpower infused lips. Life couldn’t get any better! But something does feel like its missing, what am I forgetting?….Oh right! I almost left for work without my cellphone! Oh that would have been unbearable!
You wander into work singing Berlin’s “Take my breath away” imagining your lover in a leather jacket like the one Maverick wore. You hit the chorus “Take my breath awaaaaaaaaaaay…” as you enter the break room for your morning coffee, but you are met by familiar faces instead of the wonderful aroma of freshly brewed Starbucks. Some of these people are looking down intently at papers held in their hands, others give you sideways glances and judging eyes. Oh that’s just my Mom, she lives in Peru. Mom?! You take the room in completely and realize these are the faces of your friends and family, and your boss. What is going on? “Did someone die?” you ask totally confused but wondering somewhere in the back of your mind what size leather jacket Mr. Romance would wear…?
Your boss steps forward and says, “Marsha, we’re all worried about you. You aren’t returning phone calls, emails, or texts to the people who care about you. You’ve been floating around the office humming love ballads and reciting scenes from the movie Dirty Dancing in the front entrance fountain after work, sometimes during your lunch break. For some reason you keep calling our male clients Heracles. Half the time it doesn’t seem like you are here, well your body is but your mind is far away. Everyone is here to support you, we would like to offer you a gift and we hope you will accept it.”
Your mind is reeling. What is he talking about? Everyone is staring at you like you’re crazy! Why is my mom crying? You begin to think about the past month and 1/2, trying to make sense of it all. Why are they so concerned? Sure I haven’t seen them much or at all, and maybe I’ve developed an infatuation with Dirty Dancing… But all I’ve been doing is… Heracles. I mean, Sean, Percy, err Dan. Him, that’s all I know of this past month or so. Oooh I love him ❤ ❤ <3, I should text him, I miss him! That’s when it dawns on you.
You’ve been so wrapped up in being in love that you’ve forgotten all about the other people in your life and the job you take pride in being good at, and pretty much all other reality outside the realm of Grecian goodness. You take a good look around the room, at the faces of the people you now realize you’ve missed. You begin to feel bad for ignoring them and making plans with them so they would leave you alone, only to stand them up repeatedly. Oh how horrible you feel about it.
Your mom steps forward, next to your boss. Your boss awkwardly places a hand on your mom’s shoulder. Is he consoling her? She reads from her paper, “Honey, we know of your addiction and we want to help. We’ve pulled all of our money together and we’d like to offer you the gift of recovery. Please take this gift, I want my daughter back. We all want you back in our lives. This addiction is consuming you, and we miss you. Please.” *Cue more tears*
Addicted?!? They think I’m addicted! Of course they do, well, I guess I am… But not like how they think. You take a deep breath, and then play the only card you can in your defense. “Everyone, thank you for your concern. Mom, you really didn’t need to come all this way… (people begin to mumble angrily, and crinkle their papers) I sincerely apologize to each and every one of you for my poor behavior recently. But I do not need to go to rehab. I am not addicted to any substances whatsoever. I promise you. I’m… I’m just… (spit it out) I’m in love.”
We’ve all been there before. Ok, maybe not in a fountain reenacting the lake scene from Dirty Dancing and facing an intervention but you get what I mean. Being in love can become all-consuming to the point that you neglect everyone who was in your life previously to Mr. Wonderful. When faced with the accusations of your shortcomings in other relationships, pull out the “I’m in Love” card and hope that whoever you give it to will be understanding and forgiving. But there is an unspoken rule: No repeat uses on the same person. They will only accept this card once. Next time, they’ll just be pissed off and annoyed and you’ll have some making up to do.