Pardon your Nipple

8 May

Why on earth are some women not aware that their nipples are exposed? Can’t you feel the air on them? Do you have no mammary sensory whatsoever? I know women who struggle to keep their nipples in place on a daily basis. It’s like their nipples have a mind of their own and their one desire is to see everything. Well, mission accomplished. You can see me and I can see you. Now will you please return to the bra you should live under? I do not wish to be accosted with your peeping presence.

I’ve seen celebrity nipple tabloid photos and it just boggles my brain. I understand they are going bra-less for their gowns, but COME ON! Really? These women can afford double-sided tape to prevent such occurrences. You’re walking a red carpet that’s being televised and you aren’t going to ensure the girls are safe from documented exposure? All those photographers are watching and waiting for the nipple-slip and you’re going to just give it over!?! What is with you women?

Every time a nipple is spotted I struggle to keep my eyes averted. I try and try repeatedly, but I can’t stop glancing. You would think that if a woman saw me repeatedly looking at her breasts she would adjust herself or stop talking to me, but I fear women are desensitized when it comes to boob-glances. Also, most of my friends know I fancy a nice rack so they probably are assuming I am being perverted and rude. So, what comes next?

“Pardon your nipple Miss, it’s making me uncomfortable.” How do you say that??? Is there even a good way? Someone needs to tell her. I refuse to let her go about her day with her nipple showing, I care too much. I also can not endure the peek-a-boo game it’s playing with me. I wish I’ve only had to do this once, but it’s been far more than 20 times.

With summer fast approaching I am sure I’ll have to have this “Pardon your nipple” conversation again. Frankly I am developing anxiety from it.

WOMEN, I beg of you, pay attention to your wandering nipples. Place your breasts correctly in your bra, and secure those nipples in the center. I don’t care what it takes. I have some sticky-tack you can borrow, heck, you can have it! Spare me the nipple, please. I have a Victoria’s Secret Card and I know how to use it. I suggest you learn to use one too and place those nipples in a proper home.

PLEASE, I beseech you! I am only going to give this talk one more time to each woman who needs it. If you come around again with your repeat offender nipples, you’re on your own.

Question Period:
Have you ever have a “Pardon your nipple” conversation? Is this a world-wide epidemic or am I just a magnet for the nipples?

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2 Responses to “Pardon your Nipple”

  1. Jill May 8, 2012 at 2:55 pm #

    Humm… This seems to be getting on your last nipple! Didnt know there was such a thing as a nipple-peve! What about the comment…. Its nippy outside? Personally, it is a distraction but i am only bothered by the sight of nipples that are way off center… One up high to the right and the other down low. Now, i have seen 3 nipples…..that when i say too much of a good thing,isnt good!

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