The “Intoxication Justification” Card

8 May

Usage Guidelines: Use to excuse poor judgement, particularly inappropriate behaviour or socially unacceptable acts.
Expiration: Whenever the receiver cares to revoke its validity. Because after all, this card is a cop-out. You know it, I know it, and the court of law especially knows it.

I’ve used this card a couple of times. My usual usage of it entails me while trying to excuse something I said or an inappropriate act, like peeing in a stranger’s front lawn and singing the “Cunt Song” far too loudly and way too early in the evening.

The card works on some people, others reject it immediately on the grounds that people are still in control of their behaviours, even whilst intoxicated. And sure, that’s true to an extent. I knew perfectly well that peeing in that person’s yard was a bad idea and an illegal act. But that facts were it was either their yard or my pants. I made a poor judgement call. But in all honesty, had I not urinated in their yard it most definitely would have been in my pants. 5 Jägerbombs and a couple of wine coolers were not going to stay put in my bladder for the 2 mile walk home. Hence, front yard peeing. When confronted with the irate homeowner yelling at me to “Get the eff off her lawn!” I hollered back, in my most composed and sincere voice, “I am so sorry. I am intoxicated and had to go. I promise I am doing no worse than your neighbors dog.” She started approaching me and I went into “pee super fast mode”, pulled up my pants and began running to catch up with my friends who had already took off at the first sight of her. This is an example of when  the “Intoxication Justification” Card is denied and I can guarantee the police wouldn’t have accepted it either had she reported me.

Significant others are the least inclined to accept this card. For example, My ex-husband put on my lingerie (consisting of a see-through baby doll and matching thong) and tried duck-taping my vibrator to his forehead. He then came out to show all our guests his ensemble. Sure he was intoxicated BUT not everyone was drunk enough to forget what he had done. I never recovered from that horrifying display and the subsequent stories that were told relaying it to his co-workers and friends alike. Whom I was in contact with daily. Oh balls…

This card can be pulled out to excuse sleeping in, breaking a vase or coffee table (ouch), argumentative behaviour, barfing on your friends’ carpet, swallowing a quarter, kissing a girl and liking it, mooning passerby’s, saying “cunt” more than one should, singing far too loudly and off-key, passing out in a taxi, falling off a deck, singeing the back hair off a friend, shaving a cat, throwing cake into random lawns, falling asleep completely naked in the hosts’ bathroom (This happened at my house twice by the same guy. I accepted the card but am left with life-long scars from the visuals)…honestly the list could go on forever. I allow this card for minor infractions like I listed, but infidelity and violence are never covered in my Gameplay.

Remember, this card is only valid to those whom believe in its sincerity. So use it as you wish but be prepared to beg for forgiveness, make a plea bargain in court or never show your face again, if it is rejected.

Cheers Mates!

Question Period:
Have you ever used the “Intoxication Justification” Card? What did you do and was it accepted or denied? Did it result in forgiveness, a slap in the face, or community service? I’d love to know!

2 Responses to “The “Intoxication Justification” Card”

  1. jill May 8, 2012 at 4:29 pm #

    I dont think Ive been drunk before… if I was it was very brief and I was with you, leah or your aunt polly! You say I gulp wine…but I just am thirsty!


  1. Google: Pubic Hair « My Life Of Cards - July 26, 2012

    […] does intoxication justify infidelity (No, Dumbass. But it does other things HERE!) […]

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