My Fat Crotch Vexation

15 May

Exercise has always been a challenge for me. It’s been a constant balancing act trying to exercise my body enough to lose fat, and stop just short before losing muscle mass. I also have to maintain a fairly high in protein diet and I’ll be honest, I don’t always choose lean protein. Ok, so I’ve been known to demolish a whole package of Hormel Pepperoni in a matter of minutes. I also have a love/hate relationship with summer sausage. I know those protein choices are wrong, but oh man, they taste so good.

That being said, I take 25% credit for my crotch fat dilemma. 50% goes to muscle issues, 25% goes to pregnancy body debauchery,  and the last 25% to my own poor choices in diet.

I am getting better at food choices but it’s so difficult to maintain a constant healthy diet when T is buying pie, chips, and “Oh Henry!” chocolate bars. I mean, come on! Here I am trying to eat tons of fruit and veggies, and exclude all the garbage and he comes around with pie…. I love pie.

I’m writing this post because I was confronted with the magnitude of a particular quandary. Yesterday was so nice that B and I wanted to play outside all day. As the day advanced, it got hotter and I needed to strip down. I put on my swimsuit from last year. I checked myself in the mirror and although I am not “happy” with my body, I also wasn’t ashamed. I went outside to read and catch some sun while B splashed around. I plopped down on the edge of the deck, grabbing my book and finding a comfortable position. I looked down and started adjusting my bottoms when I noticed….


So I know I put a little weight on after B was born but I don’t remember my crotch looking so puffy. What in the world? It looked like I had stashed a codpiece under my swimsuit. I poked the layer of fat several times as to tell it, “Hey! Where did you come from? Get out of here! You’re not welcome!” I’m sitting there, staring at my fat crotch contemplating how long it had been like that. How could I not have noticed this? I mean, I have a close relationship with my parts and I would think that of all people I would notice this. It was like that time I dyed my hair a new color and my husband didn’t say anything.

All of a sudden I was hyper-crotch-conscious. I had to get out of my swimsuit right then. I was worried my neighbor lady  would stop by and notice the crotch elephant sun bathing in my back yard. I needed to dress my crotch in baggy clothing. I finally understand why people who are weight-conscious wear over-sized clothing. I get it. I needed to minimize its presence. I put on shorts with a loose terry cloth fabric.

The shorts minimized the crotch avoirdupois but created another problem. My dimpled butt cheeks were hanging out.


Those fit last year. They were shorty shorts, but no cheeks hung out. I was so bummed. I have more work cut out for me than I thought I did. It’s such a challenge for me to maintain a proper balanced diet of what my body physically needs, and exercise that does not deplete muscle mass. I felt so defeated and frustrated.

That all being said, I have decided to not put off exercising and to start with what I have. Which is a set of 2 pound hand weights and a Wii fitness game called “Your Shape” with Jenny McCarthy. Google says I have to work out my whole body to decrease crotch fat. So, time to get moving.

Question Period: Do you have a fat crotch? I know I can’t be alone in this conundrum. If you do in fact have a fat crotch or shorts-evading dimpled butt cheeks, I feel ya. But not in the perverted way… I barely know you.

18 Responses to “My Fat Crotch Vexation”

  1. Amy Nielsen May 15, 2012 at 12:24 pm #

    Laughing my fat crotch off!!! lol hahahahahahaha!!!!! I think it is genetic…. talk to your Momma and Sister!! Love you,

  2. Leah Lindstrand Garrett May 15, 2012 at 1:39 pm #

    Yup GENETIC!!!! I’ve lost 90 pounds ALL OVER and I still have a fat crotch!!! So does Ella and shes only 2… So genetics my dear Lacey Genetics!

    • Lace May 15, 2012 at 1:56 pm #

      Well the genetics had a delayed effect then. Its never been like this! I am gonna work as hard as I can manage to shed this cunthump.

  3. Jill May 15, 2012 at 11:57 pm #

    Okay, for the record, I didn’t have this lump till I gained weight. IT never left. I even went to a plastic surgeon, she called it something that sounds much better than your word Lacey. But, the bad news is, you have to have it removed by a scalpel. It doesn’t respond to liposuction as it is a dense tissue. Sorry for the bad news. I think we need to embrace it. I must say it’s refreshing to know there is a group of us…perhaps we need to form a secret club . Get on it Lacey.

    EDITED by Lacey: Because grammar correction is a form of love ❤

    • Jill May 15, 2012 at 11:58 pm #

      Did this reply with out my glasses,I dont know how to fix all the spelling errors!

      • Lace May 16, 2012 at 8:11 am #

        You know me, I’ll gladly do it for you =)

  4. Kelly May 16, 2012 at 9:39 am #

    I have ass dimples..even wrote a blog about it a while back. It came as a complete shock too! My crotch isn’t fat, but I have ginormous “lips” since giving birth, which gives me a big camel toe in just about everything!!..sigh

    • Lace May 16, 2012 at 9:42 am #

      I’m only half glad to hear that you have ass dimples like myself. Half of me feels like I joined a sisterhood community, the other half feels bad because I would wish ass dimples on no one! Oooo the dreaded camel toe too? I feel for ya Kelly.

  5. Jim Maher May 16, 2012 at 11:01 am #

    Putting a funny spin on anything, be it fat crotch or manboobs, is such a good way to take the power back in the situation. Really funny.

    • Lace May 16, 2012 at 12:52 pm #

      If I stop laughing, I might just start crying. And frankly, I am a way prettier laugh-er than crier. I’m one of those ugly criers. Face contorted and dripping with wetness, snorting and hyperventilating. Laughter allows me to keep my power over this life of mine AND give others a free laugh/smile. In turn, hopefully helping them find a lighter perspective on a struggle or crappy circumstance of their own. Glad you enjoyed it Jim!

      • Jim Maher May 16, 2012 at 12:55 pm #

        If anyone cries pretty, they don’t really mean it. It’s got to be an ugly cry, that’s when we get the real meat of the problem out. Laughter has helped me through so many of life’s crap moments, and sharing it with others is a two-way catharsis that grounds the emotions in the real. Thanks again, Lace.

  6. starkate May 16, 2012 at 2:56 pm #

    Wait till you get old!!

  7. Erinina May 16, 2012 at 9:11 pm #

    Hang in there! I believe you can tone your body however you want, but it’s a one day at a time thing! Check out Pilates, as it specifically works the transverse abdominals down there. XO!

    • Lace May 16, 2012 at 10:45 pm #

      Hey thanks! I’ll definitely check out some Pilates =)

  8. sara August 8, 2013 at 2:03 am #

    Yes. I used to enjoy working out but ever since S was born I feel that a part of my life has been sucked out. I’m weak and feel like crap all the time. My work schedule is crazy and I have since then picked up a bad fast food diet. I’m so sick of it but I can’t stop. I haven’t lost weight since I had my baby 6 years ago. I go to work out but find I barely have the energy. I feel exhausted all the time but can’t sleep to replenish. I noticed when I wear jeans that the bulge is worse. I have been wearing sweat clothes for a year now. I think I have gave up. I’m not a huge person. I’m 5’8. 165lbs. But I don’t exactly carry the weight well. I gain in the worst spots. Ugh. I feel hopeless

  9. Emily Hiltner January 19, 2014 at 9:55 pm #

    Wow I’m so glad I am not alone in the cunthump/fat crotch issue!! My mom has it but my sister doesn’t and sometimes she makes fun of it 😦 Yay for finding sisters with the same problem!

    • Lace January 20, 2014 at 2:28 pm #

      My fat crotch drastically became less fat when I started Bikram Yoga over the summer. Its only slightly fat now. But with a baby on the way, I have a feeling its weight issue will resurface!. We’ll stand together!


  1. Google: Pubic Hair « My Life Of Cards - July 26, 2012

    […] how to get rid of a fat crotch (I Googled this as you did. The only true way to rid yourself is lipo or starvation. Sorry. Feel less alone by reading THIS!) […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: