Coffee Snob

23 May

We went grocery shopping last night. Amongst other staples, I needed coffee ASAP as I was completely out. The brand I usually get is the closest tasting to Starbucks that’s in my price range.  It’s not great, but good enough.


We made our way to the coffee isle. There was a sale on the Maxwell House brand. It was a whole $10 cheaper than what I usually buy. I hemmed and hawed, grabbed the darkest possible roast of Maxwell House, looked at it intently, put it back. Grabbed my usual, thought about it… Really, $10? How can I not buy Maxwell House? It just seemed so illogical at the time to buy my usual brand when something was so cheap. And it’s not like it was Instant Folgers or Tim Hortons…bleck!

T is looking at me like, “just pick one, it’s coffee”. He doesn’t understand. Every time I drink coffee other than Starbucks, a taste bud dies. Every morning my mouth holds a wake. He’ll never truly comprehend what I have given up in order to marry him….never.

I resolved to get Maxwell House with the idea that if I’m going to settle for sub-par coffee, I might as well save 10 dollars doing so. I hung my head as I walked back to the cart, I felt so defeated inside.


This morning arrives. I open the coffee. I am instantly assaulted with a miasma of disappointment. It smells like dirt and misfortune. Second, for a “Rich Dark Roast” it’s the color of terra-cotta. I was half-tempted to make tea and dump out the whole can, but I didn’t. This was about trying something new, and perhaps growing a little. I tried to be optimistic, really, I did try. I hesitantly loaded the grounds into the filter. I felt like I was abusing my poor Bunn. I made enough for 1 cup, and poured it into my favorite cup. I thought the cup may help up the enjoyment factor.

No, no, absolute NO! The first sip killed at least 3 taste buds, the second took out at least 5. Can’t do it, won’t do it, wouldn’t force this on my arch nemesis. OK, maybe I would… but not on anyone else.

I thought maybe if I doubled the amount of grounds it would produce something more palatable. I ran another cup through. No, worse. Oh balls.  How could it be worse?! All it did was enhance the taste of fresh death as it killed 6 more taste buds. I could not subject my mouth to this again. There was no hope for this coffee. No amount of cream or sugar would improve its bouquet or flavor.

I’m certain that if a unicorn appeared, serving me this cup of coffee from a tray it carried on its back, I would still be unable to drink it. (Honestly though, a unicorn would totally serve up something better than Maxwell House. Like magic guava juice or Starbucks with champagne bubbles.)

Down the drain it went along with my opportunity to grow.


I tried to settle and be content with my $10 of savings, but I couldn’t. I tried my very hardest to be optimistic but failure screamed down my throat as I swallowed. It burned my stomach lining with the acidity of mediocrity.

At least I can say I tried, and hey, it only cost me 4 bucks….


Question Period: Is there anything in your life you have to have?  We all have our “things”. Please Share!

12 Responses to “Coffee Snob”

  1. Jim Maher May 23, 2012 at 3:32 pm #

    Non-coffee snobs never understand our plight. That morning cup, the first moment it hits our central nervous system, is vital to the outcome of our day. If it’s crap going in, it’s crap coming out. I am sorry for your venture down the dark road of Maxwell House. I have been there, and no one survives that tale unscathed.

    • Lace May 23, 2012 at 3:47 pm #

      So true, so true. As to the outcome of my day, I ended up with a serious ear infection. I’m quite sure I can attribute it to the laundry list of Maxwell House side affects. I’m going to have to venture out for a Starbucks soon to right the wrong I endured this morning. And hopefully the reverse the infection by doing so….

      • Jim Maher May 23, 2012 at 4:00 pm #

        Sweet fancy Moses, it went from bad to worse. That’s the Devil’s brew, that Maxwell House. I’m pretty sure your ear infection was a direct result of having offended the coffee gods. You need to get some quality brew, stat, or things may really turn ugly.

  2. Andrew May 23, 2012 at 8:27 pm #

    So that’s why I get heartburn…

    • Lace May 27, 2012 at 12:43 pm #

      Yes Andrew, that is why. I would subscribe a cup of Starbucks, Tully’s or Illy to remedy your heart burn.

  3. Jill May 24, 2012 at 9:23 am #

    Living in Seattle….I so know your pain! I want to send this blog to starbucks head quarters as I think they may appreciate your sad story. Any idea on how I would do that? Even after the after taste leaves your mouth,the lingering memory of flavor abuse remains!

  4. daddyranman May 30, 2012 at 4:44 am #

    Maxwell House was a great coffee! Well, it was when I was 8 years old and breaking into the coffee scene. Dunkin’ Donuts was another good set of training wheels. Then you grow up and want the finer scotch, the hotter spouse, and more importantly: that coveted cup of coffee. You get your prized cup fair lady. Ear infections are not worth another cup o’ Max.

    • Lace June 5, 2012 at 12:07 pm #

      I totally agree. I drank Folgers as a child, breaking into coffee culture. But now, it just will not do. I have taken an oath to never expose my mouth to such an injustice again. I shall get my prize cup every morning and I shall not settle for less than perfection.

  5. Phineaus Noteworthy June 4, 2012 at 8:10 pm #

    Given that anything other than starbucks coffee kills taste buds, and that you can’t afford it, you are left with two options:
    1. Give up coffee. That will preserve your anatomy and save you money.
    1.Just keep drinking more of anything. That way all your tastebuds will be dead, and then it won’t matter what you buy. The key will be to stay ahead of the ‘replenishment’ of your taste buds. I recommend putting as much terrible tasting junk in your mouth as possible to aid in this respect.

    In either case, problem solved. Let me know if you need any other help 🙂 LOL

    • Lace June 5, 2012 at 12:06 pm #

      Well, number 1 is just out of the question. As for the second number 1, it’s a sound idea and I am sure it would work. But beings I love to cook/bake I need those taste buds to further my craft.

      I’ve decided to just take away my son’s monthly allowance, and my hubby’s snacks for work, that should cover coffee.

      • Phineaus Noteworthy June 6, 2012 at 9:38 pm #

        Perfect! A third option 1… increase budget. Problem solved again!

      • Lace June 7, 2012 at 9:07 am #

        =) Thank you for your aid in inspiring me to achieve my goal of enjoying a spectacular cup of morning joe, every morning.

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