Last nights pillow talk did not disappoint.
T: If I was convicted of a crime, would you wait for me?
Me: Depends on the crime and the length of sentence.
T: I got drunk and stole something from the convenience store. I’d get 30 days and probation.
Me: What a stupid crime. No I would not wait for you, on principal, I refuse to be married to a dumb criminal. Maybe if the crime was a bit more smart, and of course, non-violent.
T: Really? You would leave me?
Me: I can’t waste my time on stupidity, so yes.
T: Ok, what if it was something like murder or embezzlement, only I was truly innocent, and you knew it. But you’d have to wait 10 years?
Me: Hmmm… I don’t know. Maybe.
T: Maybe!?! Seriously?
Me: Geez don’t get all worked up. It’s only hypothetical.
T: I’d wait forever for you, Lace. (He really said this as sweet as you read it.) Or at least 10 years without question.
Me: That’s nice, hun.
(I think he was offended that I wouldn’t wait, but I don’t enjoy lying. Even hypothetical lies. They just don’t set well with me.)
Me: I think I could do hard time and fair pretty well.
T: Ya right. You’d be chewed up and spit out and be made someone’s bitch in no time flat. You’re too pretty and small.
Me: No, female prison would be cake. I’d approach it like an extended game of “Survivor”. I’d find a sexy, buff, well-feared butch to align myself with and manipulate all the others around me with my good looks and small stature. I would run the show in the end, my love. Because I am brilliant and cunning.
T: Seriously, Lace?
Me: Yes. People usually like me and lesbians love me, as you know. And honestly, it wouldn’t be difficult. So I’d have to wash my hands a lot, and probably need you to send me lotion. I would be fine. In fact, I’d be more than fine. Woman prison is far easier than man prison, ya know. I might even enjoy the sexual activity I’d have to dole out for my insured safety. Men on the other hand, well, they probably don’t enjoy the action because it hurts more and ….(he cuts me off)
T: Yes. I know why men dislike prison. But why would you have to wash your hands a lot? …. Oh, never mind.
Me: While out on bond, awaiting my sentencing, I’d get a couple of hardcore tattoos and some on my face for good measure. Just to look a bit more legit. Maybe I should just go all out with the tats and make my face look like a skull. I bet they would leave me alone then and I wouldn’t even have to play Survivor: Female Prison Edition.
T: Oh babe…
Me: And then when I get out, we’d need to book a couple of laser appointments.
T: Anything for you my love.
***The blog has been quiet because I’ve been soaking up time with my son. I have to say goodbye to his cute face tomorrow evening, and I am kind of a wreck about it. I was so excited to have this whole month to myself, but more and more I am realizing that it is his company that I treasure. No amount of peace and quiet could compare to the chaotic whirlwind of love and joy he brings about our home. It’s going to be a month of growth I fear…. Anyways, I did manage to compile a bunch of cards and will be writing and sharing them soon!***