Why July Sucks Balls.

11 Jul

Did you know July is my favorite month? Well, it is and has been for years. I love everything about July. The weather, the festivals, the fresh produce, the holiday! How could a month that starts with fireworks be anything but extraordinary!?

 

Well, I’ll tell you.

 

I had all these hopes and dreams for July. I was going to have my favorite month all to myself. I was to be on a vacation from motherhood. Tanning, reading, eating what I wanted, sleeping nude, cooking nude, having crazy sex anywhere at anytime with T. This month was going to be peaceful and relaxing and free! I would have no responsibilities, nothing pulling me away from writing, this was to be “The Month of Cards”! But unfortunately, this month did not live up to the hype I created in my head.

I find myself too sad to write anything funny. I feel so lonely that I find myself doing absolutely nothing, just waiting for T to come home. I have no motivation to even enjoy the beautiful weather and have tanned all of 1 hour this week. I downloaded my book so I could listen to it because I feel too depressed to read. The plants in my garden are withering away because B would always water them with me in the mornings and evenings. And this morning, well, this morning I had a bit of a melt down.

I cooked bacon and eggs for breakfast. I dished up 2 plates and set them on the table. I called out, “Buggy! Breakfast!” and then silence. B is gone. I sat down looking at my plate, and then to B’s empty seat beside mine. I sobbed into my bacon.

How does one enjoy life without the key ingredient to joy?

I never realized how BIG of a part this little man played in my life. I love him, I enjoy his company, he’s my son. But it’s so much more. Maybe it’s unhealthy, maybe this is normal. Whatever it is, I’ve at least learned something.

I will never take my time with him for granted. Perhaps I haven’t truly been appreciative of my son and all he adds to my life. He’s just always been there, like the sun and moon and stars. I never had to imagine a world without him, because he was always with me.

 

July Sucks Balls. I didn’t want a learning experience and I didn’t want to search myself and realize I’ve been taking my son for granted. Looking hard into oneself is not relaxing, in fact it’s uncomfortable and sometimes ugly.

 

I guess I should probably do a bit more growing and thank July for sucking balls. Because it’s made me a better mother, and at least for that, I am truly grateful.

 

Dear July 2012,

I have thoroughly searched myself and I feel I have grown as an individual and a mother. Now, can I please have some fun?

 

Your biggest admirer,

Lacey

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8 Responses to “Why July Sucks Balls.”

  1. leah Garrett July 11, 2012 at 10:01 am #

    I’m sorry babe 😦 Hopefully July starts to look up. Love you!!!

  2. Andrew July 11, 2012 at 10:13 am #

    B and July want you to enjoy yourself. But on the occasion that you do need to cry into something, then bacon is a fantastic choice.

    • Lace July 11, 2012 at 2:52 pm #

      I couldn’t agree more Andrew. The salty sad tears only enhanced the taste of my bacon. I wish I could order tear soaked bacon at restaurants. Given the crier has gone through drug testing of course….

  3. Amy Nielsen July 11, 2012 at 1:58 pm #

    I feel the same way L. Jake is going away to college…. way far away! I will miss him so much! I will miss our long talks, his funny personality and everything about him! Yes, I have 2 amazing daughters still at home and I love them and enjoy everyday with them too…. but I will still miss my baby boy who is now a man ready to meet the world head on….

  4. Jill July 11, 2012 at 2:50 pm #

    Ask yourself what would B do right now….now do it!

    • Lace July 11, 2012 at 2:53 pm #

      He’d eat cheese and play the Wii…. I’ll skip the cheese and Wii it up. Thanks Momma.

  5. Jessabun July 11, 2012 at 4:59 pm #

    Too bad you’re not coming to the trailer with us this weekend. We’re not going again until August. You could have come last weekend, but Chris was at the bachelor party. Maybe you should just leave T for the weekend and come with us. It’s only 48h or less. Then you could Tan, read and have fun. It’s really what you need. So relaxing, fun and as far away from your normal schedule as you can get.

    • Lace July 11, 2012 at 6:20 pm #

      I will definitely look into that Jessabun 😉

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