Archive | Cards of Life RSS feed for this section

The “Senior Citizen” Card

24 Jul

Usage Guidelines: Use for discounts, excusing behaviour, and pension activation.

Expiration: Never. There is no going back.

Congratulations, you’re old! 65 is a special age and so many wonderful things come to you in this stage of life. For 1, this cool card.

My grandparents, Moose and Pops, use this card well. They take full advantage of the discounts wherever offered. And seriously, I am jealous. It’s wicked cheap to eat out, which is a good thing for them because my Gramma Moose could easily burn a house down.

Businesses even hold Senior Citizen Days and the oldies come out in droves to snatch up the good deals! Watch out for the tiny old women on these days, they are more aggressive than one may think.

I have two firsthand examples of this card being used.

A couple of years ago I was grocery shopping at a local store. I believe it was a day when the government issued their checks to the low-income elderly as the younger crowd was severely outnumbered 10-2. This didn’t bother me, I just remember thinking there were a lot of Senior Citizens out…perhaps there was a special sale? I did not know.

I went about doing some quick shopping. I was mostly there for sick food and Kleenex as it was cold season. I grabbed some cold medicine and headed down the aisle for the Kleenex. The nice stuff, 3-ply with aloe, was on special! There was one left on the shelf, I reached for it and then recoiled as my arm was whacked with a cane.

I turn to face the cane wielder and to give him/her a piece of my mind. There stands an elderly woman in her 80’s, no more than 4 feet 5 inches tall.

Her- “So sorry Deary. I was trying to reach for the Kleenex. Would you be so kind?” Her headed nodded strangely at me.

Me- “Oh that’s ok. I have a hard time reaching things too, glad I can help for once.” The old lady was so sweet sounding, I could not be mad at an accident. I grabbed the regular Kleenex that had been next to the one I took.

Her- “Well that won’t do deary. See, when you are as old as me your skin is like paper. And nowadays it seems I am always taken ill or mourning the loss of a friend. I need the one with aloe deary, for my frail skin.” She nods her head at me again.

I understand what she is getting at. She is nodding at my box of Kleenex in my basket. The last one of the good stuff, on sale. I take a few seconds to process this. I am quite sure she meant to whack me with the cane, and I am quite sure she is pulling out her Senior Citizen Card to get what she wants from me…

She begins to hold out her arms towards me, her hands shaking. She is waiting for me to come to my conclusion and gift her with the coveted Kleenex.
I hand her my box of Kleenex and grab the crappy stuff for myself. Well played old lady, well-played.

My second example:

Senior Citizens tend to have amazing gardens. It must be all their years of knowledge coupled with massive amount of free time. It also might have to do with them stealing water. If you live next to an elderly person with an immaculately kept garden, green and lush, in the middle of a summer drought… keep your eyes on him/her.

A couple of weeks ago I spied an elderly gentlemen on our block grabbing the hose of their neighbor, dragging it across their driveway and watering his own flower beds. Perhaps he had permission to do so, but I highly doubt as he was looking up and down the block frequently.

I am sure he had it all planned out if he was to get caught too. I bet it would consist of him referring to how his wife passed away or how weak he’s become since he’s lost all reasons to live except for keeping his garden green or how it was too hard for him to turn the knob on his own hose with his arthritis, or simply that he was confused and lost. It would probably end with the elderly man getting away with it, and somehow the younger couple feeling bad or guilty in some strange way.

These “Senior Citizen” Card toting people are master manipulators. WATCH OUT! For the sake of your water bill and other stuff.

old age at Rotchild BLVD

Here are some Senior Citizens discussing their master manipulator ways as they pretend to be sweet old people, taking a rest on a beautiful day. (Photo credit: shyb)

The “Irrational Fear” Card

9 Jul

Usage Guidelines: Use when confronted with an irrational fear. If you are unable to decipher an irrational fear from a rational fear, share your fear with a friend. Watch their face for tells as you share. If you see smiles, hear laughter, or the friend responds with, “Are you serious?”, those are all good indications that your fear is in fact, irrational. Grab your card, its in the deck waiting for you.

Expiration: When you finally confront your fear and squash it. Whether it be defeated by force, or through over-priced therapy, congrats! You’re a little less crazy.

I played this card last weekend.

T and I got it into our heads to remove two ugly juniper bushes in the front yard. These bushes reminded me of gnome hats. Not that I have anything against gnomes, I just don’t like bushes that resemble their hats.

The bushes were covered in spider webs. Apparently they were homes to an uncountable number of spiders and spider baby sacs. This fact did not discourage me from aiding in the removal process of these bushes.

I am not scared of spiders.

As T sawed off the branches, I gathered them and placed them in the lawn and garden bag. Soon there was just a tall stump.

I suggested we tie a rope around it and pull it out with the car. Apparently, that was “overkill”.

We began shoveling. The ground began to crawl.

What… Spiders? Ants?

Me: “HOLY BALLS THEY’RE EARWIGS!!!! No, no, no. Absolutely not! Retreat! Retreat!”

Earwig

Earwig (Photo credit: Mamboman1)

I ran from the excavation site making high-pitch squeals while slapping my shins and rubbing down any exposed skin. I felt them in my hair too and started batting at my head and shaking out my hair.

T just stood there in the earwig swarm, staring at my curiously.

After a bit more oblivious-to-the-world freaking out on my part….

T: Honey?

Me: Earwigs! (still rubbing my skin and now slightly winded from all the jumping about)

T: They won’t hurt you.

Me: I know.

T: Then what’s the problem?

Me: They have lots of legs, they are super fast, they are brown, they are shiny, THEY HAVE PINCERS!!!!

T: I don’t think they can harm you.

Me: That’s what everyone says. But when I was younger, one urinated on me and bit me! (T is still standing in the swarm and it’s making me grow more and more fearful/severely uncomfortable by the minute. They might be on him now, burrowing, planning their attack. He could unknowingly bring them into our house on his body!)

T: Umm, OK. I’ll manage without you.

Me: I’ll get the car ready.

T: That’s OK babe.

The earwigs continue to swarm but luckily T was not harmed while digging.

T broke out the ax to break a couple of roots free. As he swung down on the roots, earwigs took flight.

Me: “HOLY BALLS THEY CAN FLY!!!!”

The danger and creepiness increased by 40% and I confined myself to the porch until the stump was removed.

*Shudder* They can fly….

The good news is the ugly bushes are gone and I thoroughly researched earwigs whilst writing this card and I am 100% sure this irrational fear can be overcome.

I’m thinking of “exposure therapy”. Ill start with pictures, then videos, then the real deals out in my flower bed…. I’ll keep you all posted.

As far as I know I only have one other irrational fear.

Airport Layovers.

Hong Kong International Airport

I would need at least 4 hours for a layover in Hong Kong. The airport is HUGE! Who knows how much time I would need or what could go wrong!!! (Hong Kong International Airport: Photo credit: work the angles)

Layovers lasting 2 hours or more have 50% less fear factor but are still unnerving and bring me anxiety. Layovers under 1 hour in length are avoided at all costs. I would rather pay $200 more for a longer layover and delay my arrival by several hours, than have a short layover. The fear of layovers dissipates once I board my flight, but kicks in again during the descent to meet my connecting flight. Oh, my stomach is in knots just thinking about a short layover. I get extreme anxiety including sweats, heart palpitations, diarrhea and sometimes vomiting during the “anticipation phase” of airport layovers.

Weirdly enough, I love flying.

Can you see my Irrational Fear Card clearly enough?

Do you have an Irrational Fear? I’d love to read about! Share with me in the comments or email me at mylifeofcards@yahoo.com

The Month of Cards

27 Jun

Despite a killer migraine who is enjoying an extended stay in my head, the card collecting is going well. A special thanks goes out to all who have commented or emailed me their own cards and ideas/suggestions. With your help I am creating an outstanding collection of Cards of Life. Your sharing has helped me unlocked a new part of my brain when approaching Cards of Life, and I am now pulling cards from outside the standard box. So thank you again! You all are so inspiring!

 

July shall be The Month of Cards here at My Life of Cards. I look forward to sharing the deck with you and exchanging more cards! Please continue to share your cards in the comments or email me at mylifeofcards@yahoo.com

 

Happy Wednesday Balls.

 

P.S. I am so excited for The Cards of Life! Click the follow button to the right of this page if you’d like them sent to your email =) You won’t want to miss these!

Calling all Cards

23 Jun

Recently, plans have been made for my son to visit his dad and extended family in Texas. B will be gone for the whole month of July and I’m already starting to dream up ways to keep myself occupied. I am pretty sure I’ll love the solitude.

First, I plan to finish reading “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened” By Jenny Lawson, The Bloggess. A book I bought over 2 weeks ago and have barely cracked due to mothering obligations and exhaustion. Second, I plan to read the rest of the Game of Thrones series. Thirdly, this reading and relaxing will take place in a comfy lawn chair as I simultaneously tan, soaking up all those cancerous rays the East Coast has to offer me. Fourthly, I shall keep a cooler of alcoholic beverages beside me with plenty of little umbrellas to pop in them. In my head, I’ll be in Guam. Fifthly, I will most definitely be blogging it up! Why not right? There will be no little Thor to distract me with Wii Games. No cute little face begging me to walk to the park. No whimpering interruptions of hunger, this thing children always seem to want, I think it’s called lunch?

It’s just me fulfilling my own desires. I can almost feel the sun penetrating my epidermis. Just two more weeks until my vacation from motherhood commences and I find out which of my favorite characters die in their game of thrones.

 

In preparation of “Blogging it Up”, over the next 2 weeks while I await my maternal check-out, I am amassing Cards of Life in my draft folder. I have prepared 20 cards so far but I’d like to hear about your cards. All player’s have stock cards, like The “I’m Sorry” Card, or The “I’m in Love” Card, those cards we all have in common to some degree. I want fresh cards, different cards, cards that I’ve never encountered a use for yet. Help me build a better, well-rounded and more prepared hand.

Anything goes. They can be funny, faith-based, thoughtful, sad, challenging, raunchy. Whatever you have, I want. Seriously anything goes!

 

If you’d like to help me out, please leave the title of your cards and a brief description as a comment below. Although usually the title is enough for me to go on, so no pressure for the description. You can also email me your Cards of Life at mylifeofcards@yahoo.com and I will be sure to give credit where it is due when the card is made.

 

Thanks ahead of time to my followers, readers and players alike. I can’t wait to hear about your cards! Have a wonderful weekend and Game On!

The “I’m Sorry” Card

19 Jun

Usage Guidelines: Use to express regret of actions or words. (If you use this card to keep the peace, please check out The “Doormat” Card.)

Expiration: This card is only valid for one or possibly 2 uses on any infraction. It will not be accepted multiple times for the same damn thing! (If you accept this card repeatedly for the same poor behaviour, you as well should check out The “Doormat” Card.)

You know those people in your life that you love but they can’t seem to ever do it right by you? Their sorry card is so worn from repeat use that their card could crumble to dust at any minute. Because you love them, you keep accepting their crappy sorry card over and over, hoping they will get it right soon. But to no avail, same ol’ story, same ol’ card.

How hard is it to tell the truth? How hard is it to not hurt someone you care about? How hard is it to follow through on promises? Apparently, it’s near impossible for some.

One could say that if a person repeats a poor behaviour, that they probably mean to do it. They meant to lie to you, they meant to fight with you, they meant to mock you, they meant to “forget” about commitments…

Perhaps they just don’t care about you. Perhaps it’s easy for them to say sorry and continue on unchanging. And if you repeatedly accept their sorry-ass sorry card, why not continue on with the bad behaviour?

I have a few things to say to the card player found in violation of the rules:

Hey you with the worn, torn, faded sorry card! Cut it out. Quit hurting the ones who love you. Quit misusing their forgiveness and softness of heart, you terrible person! Do it right, make things right, and put your stupid sorry card away! If you find that you are in constant violation of The Sorry Card Rules, I suggest you should do that person you keep apologizing to a solid and get lost. And take your sorry card with you.

Hey you, Doormat, who keeps accepting the sorry card for the same bad behaviour from the same person, cut it out! How many times do you have to be wronged before you realize enough is enough? You should not allow ANYONE to take advantage of your kindness, ever. Stop being a Doormat. Rip up their Sorry Card and show yourself some respect.

Hey you, Doormat, who uses the Sorry Card to keep the peace, STOP IT! You are an equal, your feelings matter. Stop devaluing your voice and start standing up for yourself. Do not give in because you dislike the confrontation. So you’re uncomfortable? So what. It will hurt you more in the end if you sacrifice your feelings. Please find your spine and your mouth, and let your voice be heard. It’s OK to disagree, it’s OK to speak your own mind. Stand your ground!

To everyone else who uses this card properly:

Well done! Way to be awesome at life!

*In my Cards of Life rules, I have offered an exemption to people I love with A.D.D. and those in recovery for an addiction. I’ll continually take the sorry card from them and show them grace, love, and support. I’ll also continue to accept Starbucks drinks as tokens of apology. So long as they make progress and take their meds like a responsible human being, of course.*

The “Period” Card

17 May

As you may know, I usually write fictional stories to go along with my cards. I use the stories to help you understand how or when you might play the card at hand. Some times my stories are extremely relatable, at other times I make them a bit over the top. Either way, I hope to bring you entertainment.

Well today I am giving you a little treat (or making you very uncomfortable). I’m sharing the story of when I was dealt The “Period” Card. With no embellishment, no exaggerating… Just a complete recount of the first time this card was placed in my unprepared hand. If menstruation grosses you out and you do not enjoy period humour, I suggest you read a different card. Like the “I’m in Love” Card. That’s a good, safe one.

Excitement was bubbling out of me. I had been anticipating this day for weeks! My sister, Dad and I were packing for a youth retreat to Stehekin, WA. All of my best friends would be coming, and my crush would be there too! (A guy 4 years older than me and totally out of my league of course) We were going to be carpooling from Omak, Washington to the small town of Chelan, taking a 3 hour ferry ride across Lake Chelan to Stehekin, and hiking a few miles to our campsite.

I had worked up this trip to be the highlight of my summer! And boy was it… But not because I had the best time of my life. Not because my crush forgot about our age difference, confessed his love for me and kissed me under the blanket of stars. No, definitely NOT what happened. *sigh* I ended up avoiding him the whole time…

The initial leg of the youth retreat went amazingly. The ferry was fun, the hike was challenging for me but a couple of the guys took turns carrying my pack. We arrived a couple of hours later and set up camp. We started exploring and having fun like teenagers do in the woods. All of the chaperones were trying their hardest to keep track of us and keep everyone entertained and happy. That night we had a campfire and enjoyed the must-have camping treat, s’mores! Everyone went to bed. I was tenting with my bff and we stayed up giggling and drifted off excited for the next day.

The next day was super fun as well. We went on hiking excursions, played games, had a small bible study in the evening as well as my first snipe hunting excursion, enjoyed a bonfire and more s’mores, as well as singing around the fire. It was great! It was becoming all that I had hoped for. Sleep came to me quickly and peacefully.

When I woke up in the morning, something was wrong. My stomach was in knots and I felt so sweaty. I was wet all over. I could have sworn I had come down with some sort of forest disease. I unzip my sleeping bag to find that it wasn’t sweat all over me, it was (yep!) blood. *Freak out*

After I had thoroughly freaked out with my bff I realized what had begun during the night. Aunt Flow wanted to come camping too. Rude. Besides the utter panic I was feeling, I was so angry! I had been toting around a “just in case” army of feminine hygiene products for months. I knew it could happen soon and I wanted to be prepared. In all of the excitement to go on this trip, I had totally forgotten about my front-line tampons and reinforcement pads. Why oh why, dear God!?!

I needed my Mom but my sister would have to do. The bff brought Leah back to the tent and then got lost because I was looking all sorts of scary, like right out of Carrie. It was everywhere. EVERYWHERE.

Leah was more than helpful and thoughtful. Although this was one of my most horrifying embarrassing memories, it’s also one of my best memories to when it comes to Leah being the sister I needed. Leah went into Tampon and Pad scavenger mode. She was knocking on every tent with a girl in it and pleading for a donation.

2 girls and 1 chaperone had a stash. Out of which I was given 3 pads and a light days O.B. First off, seriously? SERIOUSLY? We have 2 1/2 more days here and I get a days worth of protection. My very close, nearly best,  friend had the biggest hoard of pads. A whole caboodle full, not exaggerating! She gave me 2. Really? For shame. I am half tempted to write her real name so I can get a freaking public apology! …. (Contemplating. Weighing Pros, Cons? Yep, doing it.) BETHANY! 13 years have passed since that dreaded day but I still remember. I love you always Beff. But I still remember…

Leah brought me back what she had scrounged up along with a wet soapy wash cloth. She took all my blood drenched clothes and sleeping bag as I attempted to clean myself in the frigid cold of the early morning. I emerged from the tent to see my sister washing my clothes and sleeping bag in the river. I went to join her and luckily we finished before people started waking up.

We decided my dad needed to know. I was going to run out of bleeding vagina supplies rather quickly at the rate I was going, and the nearest store was a 5 mile hike away. Leah goes over to my dad and discreetly leans in and with a hushed voice says, “Dad, I need to take Lacey to the store.” Now this is funny because when Leah received her period card, my mom said the same thing to my dad.

FLASHBACK 6 years:
My mom to my dad “Larry, I need to take Leah to the store. We’ll be right back.” My dad who was wrapped up in my sister being grounded at the time, was adamant my sister COULD NOT go to the store with my mom. “She is grounded, she’s not going anywhere!” Our mom, who was trying to save my sister from unneeded embarrassment as we had several family members and friends over, kept repeating, “No Larry, I need to take LEAH to the STORE!” As if that was code. A code he obviously wasn’t catching on to. I believe all the women in the room understood and started urging my dad to let her go. Finally, because of his denseness, it was blurted out by our Papa, “She got her period, Larry!” My dad was so confused. Leah was 10!

FLASH FORWARD, or FLASHBACK again? Umm…That’s confusing.

Dad: Why on earth would you need to go to a store? It’s 5 miles away…” (He starts walking towards the group of chaperones)

Leah: Umm Dad, no, I NEED to take LACEY to the STORE. (Giving him a look that says, HELLO REMEMBER, “THE STORE”)

Dad: Leah, I can’t think of a single reason Lacey would need to go to the store. I’m pretty sure it can wait or she can ask around. (Annoyed)

Leah: DAD, Lacey needs to go to the Store. THE STORE, Dad… (Leah’s face is screaming PERIOD! EMERGENCY! THINK!)

Dad: *Light bulb* Oh….. OH! (He walks over to me)
He gives me an awkward hug and steps back before talking to me. He looks at me, realizing his little girl is now a woman. That’s right, I am. A freaking horrified woman. I am wondering why I had been anticipating this day for months? I am wishing so hard that I wasn’t a woman.

He asks if any of the girls had anything, we go over the Kotex Scandal. (talking about you, Bethany) He seems a bit shocked no one wanted to come to my rescue and says we’ll head into town if need be. I go about the day, trying to have fun despite the horrendous cramps and my frustration with a particular friend. (Bethany, that’s you again)
I run out of pads and it’s nearing time for bed. Leah walks me to the outhouse, I take the flashlight in with me. I’m in the dimly lit outhouse, which smells bad enough to start working my gag reflex, unwrapping an O.B.

Me: Slightly panicked but mostly confused, “How do I work this thing?!”

Leah: “Grab hold of it, and with your longest finger push it up inside you.”

Me: “Ew, I have to touch inside?”

Leah: “Duh.”

Me: “…..oops.”

Leah:”What oops?”

Me: “Nothing….” (I had dropped it on the floor of the outhouse. I inspect it with the flash light while straddling the toilet. Blowing on it to get all the funkies off.)

Me: “Oh balls!”

Leah: “You OK in there?”

Me: “Yeah, fine.” (No, not at all)

Leah: “Do you want me to do it for you?” (she was serious)

Me: “What!? Weirdo. No way. You can’t be serious….”

Leah: “Push it up really far.”

Me: “Have you seen my fingers?”

Leah: “I’ll do it for you. I have long fingers.”

Me: “No assistance needed, please. Really. (moments pass)

Me: “It feels weird.” (I walk out wiggling, like its going to improve vaginal comfort)

Leah: “Um, what?” (Leah is looking at me wiggle…)

 

I come outside, completely flustered and a bit bothered. I feel she was a bit too eager to help. I shrug. We start walking. I’m walking weird and it’s obvious.

Leah: “What’s wrong with you?”

Me: “I think it’s coming out, I can feel it.”

We head back to the outhouse. Leah gives me words of encouragement, I hold my breath. I try again, this time a woman chaperone is coaching me as well. Still not up enough but it will have to do. (O.B.’s suck and to this day I can’t use them. Apparently I still have short fingers and honestly, it’s nasty.)We make our way back.

My dad is tying our food up in a tree to keep it away from bears as we approach the site.

Me: “Dad, there aren’t bears around here, are there?”

Dad: “Yeah. They have been getting into the trash around the campground so we’re all suppose to tie up our food.”

Leah: “Bears can smell blood from miles away.”  (Thanks Leah)

The following morning a repeat Carrie scene happens. Wash, rinse, repeat. My friend J lends me jeans as I’ve ruined all my pants. Thanks J, I know YOU had my back. (Bethany? 😛 )

So it was our final full day and I had run out of clogging material. Toilet paper was my last-ditch effort to save myself from embarrassment and J’s pants. But, I’m a bleeder everyone and that just wasn’t going to suffice. Apparently my body was set on making me anemic. My dad and I set off to the store, 5 miles away. Which meant everyone was asking why we were leaving. And everyone found out about my period card. I was so embarrassed.

It started to rain 5 minutes into the walk. SERIOUSLY? I have a wad of toilet paper shoved in my underwear, barely doing the job, and now it’s going to rain. Wait for it… I mean freaking pour. My dad put a poncho over me and my backpack. Not a normal one though, one he made from a trash bag. Thanks dad…

An hour had passed and we came upon a small diner in the middle of no where. I was grateful for the restroom. Maybe they would have one of those machines with tampons and pads! No, they didn’t. We took a little break, I shove more toilet paper up my cooter and we prepare to start walking again. My dad though, being a thinker, decides to ask for a ride to town and offers a couple of people gas money. They all say no. My dad asks one more person who had just got into their truck. An older guy in a pickup with a teenage boy in the front with him. (A TEENAGE BOY? A CUTE ONE! Oh no…please no.) The man was hesitant but my dad was desperate. I see him lean in and overhear, “My daughter got her first period while camping with our youth group. We’ve been hiking for over an hour and I really need to get her to a store. Please.” The guys look back out the window at me. I’m looking obviously distraught, drenched from the rain, with a face as red as cherries from embarrassment. He agrees. We hop into the back of his pickup, and get to the store rather quickly. What a godsend!

After paying an outrageous sum for the tampons and pads, we discovered public showers and I washed the Carrie remnants off me completely!  I felt so much better. We got a campsite in town for the night and waited around the next day for the rest of the youth group to make their way in.

And that, my readers, is the story of when I added The “Period” Card to my womanly hand.

Usage Guidelines: Use to excuse moody behaviour, weight gain/puffiness, laziness, missing work/school/prior commitments, and skipping gym class. Honestly, if you’re on your period and you don’t want to do something this card is the ticket! No one argues with you about its legitimacy, especially men. In fact, the mere mention of your period can make people stay away from you. SCORE! It’s good for something after all.

Expiration: When you are no longer on your period. However, 2 weeks before you can play The “Period” Card you are eligible to use The “PMS” Card. Which excuses irrational behaviour, weight gain and general bitchiness. When The “Period” Card is discarded, you become eligible for The “Menopause” Card. Congratulations Old Ladies.

Question PERIOD: Did you have a horrifying experience upon being dealt your period card? Do you take full advantage of this card or do you keep it hidden and tough it out? Or perhaps you use The “I’m sick but not really sick” Card instead? Share with me! I like to know how my ladies play their cards!

The “Intoxication Justification” Card

8 May

Usage Guidelines: Use to excuse poor judgement, particularly inappropriate behaviour or socially unacceptable acts.
Expiration: Whenever the receiver cares to revoke its validity. Because after all, this card is a cop-out. You know it, I know it, and the court of law especially knows it.

I’ve used this card a couple of times. My usual usage of it entails me while trying to excuse something I said or an inappropriate act, like peeing in a stranger’s front lawn and singing the “Cunt Song” far too loudly and way too early in the evening.

The card works on some people, others reject it immediately on the grounds that people are still in control of their behaviours, even whilst intoxicated. And sure, that’s true to an extent. I knew perfectly well that peeing in that person’s yard was a bad idea and an illegal act. But that facts were it was either their yard or my pants. I made a poor judgement call. But in all honesty, had I not urinated in their yard it most definitely would have been in my pants. 5 Jägerbombs and a couple of wine coolers were not going to stay put in my bladder for the 2 mile walk home. Hence, front yard peeing. When confronted with the irate homeowner yelling at me to “Get the eff off her lawn!” I hollered back, in my most composed and sincere voice, “I am so sorry. I am intoxicated and had to go. I promise I am doing no worse than your neighbors dog.” She started approaching me and I went into “pee super fast mode”, pulled up my pants and began running to catch up with my friends who had already took off at the first sight of her. This is an example of when  the “Intoxication Justification” Card is denied and I can guarantee the police wouldn’t have accepted it either had she reported me.

Significant others are the least inclined to accept this card. For example, My ex-husband put on my lingerie (consisting of a see-through baby doll and matching thong) and tried duck-taping my vibrator to his forehead. He then came out to show all our guests his ensemble. Sure he was intoxicated BUT not everyone was drunk enough to forget what he had done. I never recovered from that horrifying display and the subsequent stories that were told relaying it to his co-workers and friends alike. Whom I was in contact with daily. Oh balls…

This card can be pulled out to excuse sleeping in, breaking a vase or coffee table (ouch), argumentative behaviour, barfing on your friends’ carpet, swallowing a quarter, kissing a girl and liking it, mooning passerby’s, saying “cunt” more than one should, singing far too loudly and off-key, passing out in a taxi, falling off a deck, singeing the back hair off a friend, shaving a cat, throwing cake into random lawns, falling asleep completely naked in the hosts’ bathroom (This happened at my house twice by the same guy. I accepted the card but am left with life-long scars from the visuals)…honestly the list could go on forever. I allow this card for minor infractions like I listed, but infidelity and violence are never covered in my Gameplay.

Remember, this card is only valid to those whom believe in its sincerity. So use it as you wish but be prepared to beg for forgiveness, make a plea bargain in court or never show your face again, if it is rejected.

Cheers Mates!

Question Period:
Have you ever used the “Intoxication Justification” Card? What did you do and was it accepted or denied? Did it result in forgiveness, a slap in the face, or community service? I’d love to know!

The “Doormat” Card

3 May

Usage Guidelines: When you’re born without a backbone, OR, you’ve given up.

Expiration: When you find your spine.

 

I have met a couple doormats in my lifetime. Poor Doormats. I have no idea what it would be like to be one, but I am sure it would be miserable. The doormat card differs from other cards because it’s a passive card. People don’t choose this card, it’s not a cover up or an excuse. It’s a card people rarely have control over, and the only way to rid yourself of this card is therapy, most likely. There are some instances where people have completely given up on being happy or they have lost sight of their value in life, so they become a doormat. This is usually temporary though and once the person gets their shit together they stand back up and discontinue the passive behaviour.

Doormat behaviour is not to be confused with general politeness. Doormats continually deny their own desires in order please others. You’ll also find that the “friends” doormats keep are usually a bunch of jerks. They “befriend” the Doormat in order to feel powerful, and enjoy feeling the false sense of leadership. Usually they are bullies. There are some people though who keep doormats as friends in order to protect them, and empower them. I’ve only been successful once in helping a doormat find their backbone. It was no easy task.

Examples of Doormat Behaviour:

Friend- “I forgot my lunch. You wouldn’t mind if I had yours, right?”
Doormat- “No, go head. I wasn’t that hungry. I’m a doormat.”

Friend- “I left my wallet again, you got this?”
Doormat- “Sure no problem. I’m a doormat.”

Friend- “I need you to watch my 8 children while I go out drinking on Tuesday night, and I won’t be home until Wednesday because I’m a slut.”
Doormat- “I have a date on Tuesday night, can you go out Wednesday?”
Friend- “Seriously, you’re my best friend and I need you. Why are you so selfish? I guess you aren’t the good person I thought you were….”
Doormat- “No, no, I’ll cancel. I’m sure he won’t mind.”
Friend- “Don’t forget to come early, you’ll need to make them dinner.”
Doormat- “Ok, no problem. I’m a doormat.”

Friend- “I forgot underwear.”
Doormat- “Here, have mine…I’m a doormat.”

Friend- “Insult, insult, insult”
Doormat- “Takes it, takes it, takes it. I’m a doormat.”

Friend- “Let’s go out to dinner. I want Indian food.”
Doormat- “Indian food makes me vomit.”
Friend- “Good, maybe that will help with the weight you wanted to lose.”
Doormat- “Yeah, OK, sounds good…I’m a doormat”

 

Doormats will do anything to feel accepted or to avoid confrontation, even at the cost of their own emotional well-being. Doormats don’t choose this way of living and they need a Door to stand tall in front of them. If you know a Doormat, don’t misuse them, BE THE DOOR. Protect them, encourage them, help them find their inner voice and teach them to use it. If by chance you’ve become a doormat because you’ve lost your passion for life, or you’ve devalued yourself, I offer you these thought-provoking quotes.

 

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” -Dr Seuss

“What we think, we become.” – Margaret Thatcher (Don’t think negative, or you’ll be negative. Don’t think doormat, or you’ll be a doormat. Don’t think worthless, you are anything but.)

“Value yourself. The only people who appreciate a doormat are people with dirty shoes.” Leo Buscaglia

 

If you are tired of being a doormat and can’t afford therapy, Google is your friend. Look what I found in 1.3 seconds! A “How-To” Speak Your Mind article!  Check it out, be empowered, let your voice be heard! You’re worth it.

http://www.wikihow.com/Speak-Your-Mind

 

The “Life is Good” Card.

16 Apr

Ok, this is a fun card that isn’t used nearly enough, mostly because its rare amongst people to have it all together…

Usage guidelines: Use when life is good, there is money in the bank, and you’re out with your BFF’s.

Expiration: When life is no longer good, the bank account is depleted or you’d rather drink alone in your closet out of a paper bag.whichever comes first.

 

Scenario:

You’re surrounded by your friends. You’re happy and feeling awesome about life. You’ve got your nice butt jeans on and your cleavage is impeccable! Your personal life is together and you’re the shining star at work. Well done. You’re amazing.

You: Yell, “LIFE IS GOOD, DRINKS ON ME!”

BFF’s: “Hoot” “Cheer” “YAY!”, perhaps one gives you a flash of appreciation (my fave BFF form of thanks)

Spread your intoxication of life to your friends who have been by your side as you’ve  journeyed to the top.

Go on and share your joy – one free cosmo at a time. ❤

The “I’m in Love” Card

2 Sep

Usage Guidelines: To be used when you are in love and unable to function like a dependable, level-headed person

Expiration: When the side affects of being in love wear off

Oh how I love being in love! Is there anything better? I’d have to answer with a “No”. Love is what everyone in the world lives for. Even the most horrible people in the world crave to be loved. I bet if all the horrible people in the world had found love early on in life, they would only be half as horrible. I say ‘half as horrible’ because lets face it, some people are just destined to be horrible…no amount of love could take that away. It’s not a miracle cure people.

Being in love seems to have an annoying effect on some people though. I’m sure at some point in my many bouts with being in love that I exhibited this chemical reaction that manipulated my ever-dependable self into a forgetful fairy.

EXAMPLE:

You happen to meet an amazing guy during the Meet & Greet session kicking off a weekend spent at a boring work convention. He sweeps in and saves you from dying of boredom while the key-note speaker was covering “The Six Types of Chemical Reaction”. Before you know it, 3 weeks have passed and you’ve been on 19 amazing dates (and counting). Every date seems magical, he must be some sort of demigod. And you’re guessing he must be of Greek descent as he’s chiseled like Heracles. The man-god has captured your very soul, everything you are is now ever-consumed in all things Heracles, or Jason, or Zac…whatever his name is.
You find yourself forgetting to eat, being unable sleep, or return phone calls and text messages to those people who keep haranguing you via technology. Hmm who are those people anyway? … OH! Right! My friends! And those other ones I’ve known my whole life…right, my family. But even now with the remembrance of the other people who exist in your life, you somehow seem to forget about them as soon as wonder-boy text messages you a ❤ totally out of nowhere! Awww, I ❤ you too Herckie! Or Marc, or Nathan….whatever his name is. ❤ ❤ ❤ What was I doing? … Oh right! Making a picture collage with the 15 photos I have of Heracles and Myself, I mean, Matthew errr Carl. …Where did I put my glitter pen???

Two more blissful weeks in Grecian Paradise pass by. You’re so in love that you’ve lost 6 pounds and your skin is literally glowing from the contact of his superpower infused lips. Life couldn’t get any better! But something does feel like its missing, what am I forgetting?….Oh right! I almost left for work without my cellphone! Oh that would have been unbearable!

You wander into work singing Berlin’s “Take my breath away” imagining your lover in a leather jacket like the one Maverick wore. You hit the chorus “Take my breath awaaaaaaaaaaay…”  as you enter the break room for your morning coffee, but you are met by familiar faces instead of the wonderful aroma of freshly brewed Starbucks. Some of these people are looking down intently at papers held in their hands, others give you sideways glances and judging eyes. Oh that’s just my Mom, she lives in Peru. Mom?! You take the room in completely and realize these are the faces of your friends and family, and your boss. What is going on? “Did someone die?” you ask totally confused but wondering somewhere in the back of your mind what size leather jacket Mr. Romance would wear…?

Your boss steps forward and says, “Marsha, we’re all worried about you. You aren’t returning phone calls, emails, or texts to the people who care about you. You’ve been floating around the office humming love ballads and reciting scenes from the movie Dirty Dancing in the front entrance fountain after work, sometimes during your lunch break. For some reason you keep calling our male clients Heracles. Half the time it doesn’t seem like you are here, well your body is but your mind is far away. Everyone is here to support you, we would like to offer you a gift and we hope you will accept it.”

Your mind is reeling. What is he talking about? Everyone is staring at you like you’re crazy! Why is my mom crying? You begin to think about the past month and 1/2, trying to make sense of it all. Why are they so concerned? Sure I haven’t seen them much or at all, and maybe I’ve developed an infatuation with Dirty Dancing… But all I’ve been doing is… Heracles. I mean, Sean, Percy, err Dan. Him, that’s all I know of this past month or so. Oooh I love him ❤ ❤ <3, I should text him, I miss him! That’s when it dawns on you.

You’ve been so wrapped up in being in love that you’ve forgotten all about the other people in your life and the job you take pride in being good at, and pretty much all other reality outside the realm of Grecian goodness.  You take a good look around the room, at the faces of the people you now realize you’ve missed. You begin to feel bad for ignoring them and making plans with them so they would leave you alone, only to stand them up repeatedly. Oh how horrible you feel about it.

Your mom steps forward, next to your boss. Your boss awkwardly places a hand on your mom’s shoulder. Is he consoling her? She reads from her paper, “Honey, we know of your addiction and we want to help. We’ve pulled all of our money together and we’d like to offer you the gift of recovery. Please take this gift, I want my daughter back. We all want you back in our lives. This addiction is consuming you, and we miss you. Please.” *Cue more tears*

Addicted?!? They think I’m addicted! Of course they do, well, I guess I am… But not like how they think. You take a deep breath, and then play the only card you can in your defense. “Everyone, thank you for your concern. Mom, you really didn’t need to come all this way… (people begin to mumble angrily, and crinkle their papers) I sincerely apologize to each and every one of you for my poor behavior recently. But I do not need to go to rehab. I am not addicted to any substances whatsoever. I promise you. I’m… I’m just… (spit it out) I’m in love.”

*Queue Curtains*

We’ve all been there before. Ok, maybe not in a fountain reenacting the lake scene from Dirty Dancing and facing an intervention but you get what I mean. Being in love can become all-consuming to the point that you neglect everyone who was in your life previously to Mr. Wonderful. When faced with the accusations of your shortcomings in other relationships, pull out the “I’m in Love” card and hope that whoever you give it to will be understanding and forgiving. But there is an unspoken rule: No repeat uses on the same person. They will only accept this card once. Next time, they’ll just be pissed off and annoyed and you’ll have some making up to do.