Tag Archives: Cards

Sorry Balls

18 Jul

Let me put it all out there for my followers, this month is no longer the Month of Cards and has lost all potential to be called so.

I have become a pile of  depressed balls.

I feel bad because:

1. I broke a promise made to my readers.

2. I have no intention of trying to redeem myself in any way.

I lay in bed day after day doing the bare minimum work required of me around the house. And because T is so enabling accommodating he doesn’t complain and goes about doing whatever it is that should have been done by me when he returns from work.

The only respite from this depressed behaviour is when I interact with humans while playing D&D a couple of evenings out of the week. And even then it’s been ridiculously hard to pull myself out of the dark hole I now live in basement and enjoy myself.

This is where I would attempt to lighten the tone, pour on some hope and make a promise of making it up to you. But I’ll be real with you, that’s not going to happen.

Everything I write since falling into this depression has been rubbish. Nothing is organic, everything is flat.

I need my muse back. Then balance will be restored to my life and my writing will fall in line.

Until then…

 

Sorry Balls.

(That’s my sorry card being played by the way. Since I am the creator of the cards I have a special deck that has a lot of balls.)

 

 

Please enjoy this video linked below. Kids are awesome. I want mine back.

Written By A Kid

The Month of Cards

27 Jun

Despite a killer migraine who is enjoying an extended stay in my head, the card collecting is going well. A special thanks goes out to all who have commented or emailed me their own cards and ideas/suggestions. With your help I am creating an outstanding collection of Cards of Life. Your sharing has helped me unlocked a new part of my brain when approaching Cards of Life, and I am now pulling cards from outside the standard box. So thank you again! You all are so inspiring!

 

July shall be The Month of Cards here at My Life of Cards. I look forward to sharing the deck with you and exchanging more cards! Please continue to share your cards in the comments or email me at mylifeofcards@yahoo.com

 

Happy Wednesday Balls.

 

P.S. I am so excited for The Cards of Life! Click the follow button to the right of this page if you’d like them sent to your email =) You won’t want to miss these!

The “I’m Sorry” Card

19 Jun

Usage Guidelines: Use to express regret of actions or words. (If you use this card to keep the peace, please check out The “Doormat” Card.)

Expiration: This card is only valid for one or possibly 2 uses on any infraction. It will not be accepted multiple times for the same damn thing! (If you accept this card repeatedly for the same poor behaviour, you as well should check out The “Doormat” Card.)

You know those people in your life that you love but they can’t seem to ever do it right by you? Their sorry card is so worn from repeat use that their card could crumble to dust at any minute. Because you love them, you keep accepting their crappy sorry card over and over, hoping they will get it right soon. But to no avail, same ol’ story, same ol’ card.

How hard is it to tell the truth? How hard is it to not hurt someone you care about? How hard is it to follow through on promises? Apparently, it’s near impossible for some.

One could say that if a person repeats a poor behaviour, that they probably mean to do it. They meant to lie to you, they meant to fight with you, they meant to mock you, they meant to “forget” about commitments…

Perhaps they just don’t care about you. Perhaps it’s easy for them to say sorry and continue on unchanging. And if you repeatedly accept their sorry-ass sorry card, why not continue on with the bad behaviour?

I have a few things to say to the card player found in violation of the rules:

Hey you with the worn, torn, faded sorry card! Cut it out. Quit hurting the ones who love you. Quit misusing their forgiveness and softness of heart, you terrible person! Do it right, make things right, and put your stupid sorry card away! If you find that you are in constant violation of The Sorry Card Rules, I suggest you should do that person you keep apologizing to a solid and get lost. And take your sorry card with you.

Hey you, Doormat, who keeps accepting the sorry card for the same bad behaviour from the same person, cut it out! How many times do you have to be wronged before you realize enough is enough? You should not allow ANYONE to take advantage of your kindness, ever. Stop being a Doormat. Rip up their Sorry Card and show yourself some respect.

Hey you, Doormat, who uses the Sorry Card to keep the peace, STOP IT! You are an equal, your feelings matter. Stop devaluing your voice and start standing up for yourself. Do not give in because you dislike the confrontation. So you’re uncomfortable? So what. It will hurt you more in the end if you sacrifice your feelings. Please find your spine and your mouth, and let your voice be heard. It’s OK to disagree, it’s OK to speak your own mind. Stand your ground!

To everyone else who uses this card properly:

Well done! Way to be awesome at life!

*In my Cards of Life rules, I have offered an exemption to people I love with A.D.D. and those in recovery for an addiction. I’ll continually take the sorry card from them and show them grace, love, and support. I’ll also continue to accept Starbucks drinks as tokens of apology. So long as they make progress and take their meds like a responsible human being, of course.*

The “Period” Card

17 May

As you may know, I usually write fictional stories to go along with my cards. I use the stories to help you understand how or when you might play the card at hand. Some times my stories are extremely relatable, at other times I make them a bit over the top. Either way, I hope to bring you entertainment.

Well today I am giving you a little treat (or making you very uncomfortable). I’m sharing the story of when I was dealt The “Period” Card. With no embellishment, no exaggerating… Just a complete recount of the first time this card was placed in my unprepared hand. If menstruation grosses you out and you do not enjoy period humour, I suggest you read a different card. Like the “I’m in Love” Card. That’s a good, safe one.

Excitement was bubbling out of me. I had been anticipating this day for weeks! My sister, Dad and I were packing for a youth retreat to Stehekin, WA. All of my best friends would be coming, and my crush would be there too! (A guy 4 years older than me and totally out of my league of course) We were going to be carpooling from Omak, Washington to the small town of Chelan, taking a 3 hour ferry ride across Lake Chelan to Stehekin, and hiking a few miles to our campsite.

I had worked up this trip to be the highlight of my summer! And boy was it… But not because I had the best time of my life. Not because my crush forgot about our age difference, confessed his love for me and kissed me under the blanket of stars. No, definitely NOT what happened. *sigh* I ended up avoiding him the whole time…

The initial leg of the youth retreat went amazingly. The ferry was fun, the hike was challenging for me but a couple of the guys took turns carrying my pack. We arrived a couple of hours later and set up camp. We started exploring and having fun like teenagers do in the woods. All of the chaperones were trying their hardest to keep track of us and keep everyone entertained and happy. That night we had a campfire and enjoyed the must-have camping treat, s’mores! Everyone went to bed. I was tenting with my bff and we stayed up giggling and drifted off excited for the next day.

The next day was super fun as well. We went on hiking excursions, played games, had a small bible study in the evening as well as my first snipe hunting excursion, enjoyed a bonfire and more s’mores, as well as singing around the fire. It was great! It was becoming all that I had hoped for. Sleep came to me quickly and peacefully.

When I woke up in the morning, something was wrong. My stomach was in knots and I felt so sweaty. I was wet all over. I could have sworn I had come down with some sort of forest disease. I unzip my sleeping bag to find that it wasn’t sweat all over me, it was (yep!) blood. *Freak out*

After I had thoroughly freaked out with my bff I realized what had begun during the night. Aunt Flow wanted to come camping too. Rude. Besides the utter panic I was feeling, I was so angry! I had been toting around a “just in case” army of feminine hygiene products for months. I knew it could happen soon and I wanted to be prepared. In all of the excitement to go on this trip, I had totally forgotten about my front-line tampons and reinforcement pads. Why oh why, dear God!?!

I needed my Mom but my sister would have to do. The bff brought Leah back to the tent and then got lost because I was looking all sorts of scary, like right out of Carrie. It was everywhere. EVERYWHERE.

Leah was more than helpful and thoughtful. Although this was one of my most horrifying embarrassing memories, it’s also one of my best memories to when it comes to Leah being the sister I needed. Leah went into Tampon and Pad scavenger mode. She was knocking on every tent with a girl in it and pleading for a donation.

2 girls and 1 chaperone had a stash. Out of which I was given 3 pads and a light days O.B. First off, seriously? SERIOUSLY? We have 2 1/2 more days here and I get a days worth of protection. My very close, nearly best,  friend had the biggest hoard of pads. A whole caboodle full, not exaggerating! She gave me 2. Really? For shame. I am half tempted to write her real name so I can get a freaking public apology! …. (Contemplating. Weighing Pros, Cons? Yep, doing it.) BETHANY! 13 years have passed since that dreaded day but I still remember. I love you always Beff. But I still remember…

Leah brought me back what she had scrounged up along with a wet soapy wash cloth. She took all my blood drenched clothes and sleeping bag as I attempted to clean myself in the frigid cold of the early morning. I emerged from the tent to see my sister washing my clothes and sleeping bag in the river. I went to join her and luckily we finished before people started waking up.

We decided my dad needed to know. I was going to run out of bleeding vagina supplies rather quickly at the rate I was going, and the nearest store was a 5 mile hike away. Leah goes over to my dad and discreetly leans in and with a hushed voice says, “Dad, I need to take Lacey to the store.” Now this is funny because when Leah received her period card, my mom said the same thing to my dad.

FLASHBACK 6 years:
My mom to my dad “Larry, I need to take Leah to the store. We’ll be right back.” My dad who was wrapped up in my sister being grounded at the time, was adamant my sister COULD NOT go to the store with my mom. “She is grounded, she’s not going anywhere!” Our mom, who was trying to save my sister from unneeded embarrassment as we had several family members and friends over, kept repeating, “No Larry, I need to take LEAH to the STORE!” As if that was code. A code he obviously wasn’t catching on to. I believe all the women in the room understood and started urging my dad to let her go. Finally, because of his denseness, it was blurted out by our Papa, “She got her period, Larry!” My dad was so confused. Leah was 10!

FLASH FORWARD, or FLASHBACK again? Umm…That’s confusing.

Dad: Why on earth would you need to go to a store? It’s 5 miles away…” (He starts walking towards the group of chaperones)

Leah: Umm Dad, no, I NEED to take LACEY to the STORE. (Giving him a look that says, HELLO REMEMBER, “THE STORE”)

Dad: Leah, I can’t think of a single reason Lacey would need to go to the store. I’m pretty sure it can wait or she can ask around. (Annoyed)

Leah: DAD, Lacey needs to go to the Store. THE STORE, Dad… (Leah’s face is screaming PERIOD! EMERGENCY! THINK!)

Dad: *Light bulb* Oh….. OH! (He walks over to me)
He gives me an awkward hug and steps back before talking to me. He looks at me, realizing his little girl is now a woman. That’s right, I am. A freaking horrified woman. I am wondering why I had been anticipating this day for months? I am wishing so hard that I wasn’t a woman.

He asks if any of the girls had anything, we go over the Kotex Scandal. (talking about you, Bethany) He seems a bit shocked no one wanted to come to my rescue and says we’ll head into town if need be. I go about the day, trying to have fun despite the horrendous cramps and my frustration with a particular friend. (Bethany, that’s you again)
I run out of pads and it’s nearing time for bed. Leah walks me to the outhouse, I take the flashlight in with me. I’m in the dimly lit outhouse, which smells bad enough to start working my gag reflex, unwrapping an O.B.

Me: Slightly panicked but mostly confused, “How do I work this thing?!”

Leah: “Grab hold of it, and with your longest finger push it up inside you.”

Me: “Ew, I have to touch inside?”

Leah: “Duh.”

Me: “…..oops.”

Leah:”What oops?”

Me: “Nothing….” (I had dropped it on the floor of the outhouse. I inspect it with the flash light while straddling the toilet. Blowing on it to get all the funkies off.)

Me: “Oh balls!”

Leah: “You OK in there?”

Me: “Yeah, fine.” (No, not at all)

Leah: “Do you want me to do it for you?” (she was serious)

Me: “What!? Weirdo. No way. You can’t be serious….”

Leah: “Push it up really far.”

Me: “Have you seen my fingers?”

Leah: “I’ll do it for you. I have long fingers.”

Me: “No assistance needed, please. Really. (moments pass)

Me: “It feels weird.” (I walk out wiggling, like its going to improve vaginal comfort)

Leah: “Um, what?” (Leah is looking at me wiggle…)

 

I come outside, completely flustered and a bit bothered. I feel she was a bit too eager to help. I shrug. We start walking. I’m walking weird and it’s obvious.

Leah: “What’s wrong with you?”

Me: “I think it’s coming out, I can feel it.”

We head back to the outhouse. Leah gives me words of encouragement, I hold my breath. I try again, this time a woman chaperone is coaching me as well. Still not up enough but it will have to do. (O.B.’s suck and to this day I can’t use them. Apparently I still have short fingers and honestly, it’s nasty.)We make our way back.

My dad is tying our food up in a tree to keep it away from bears as we approach the site.

Me: “Dad, there aren’t bears around here, are there?”

Dad: “Yeah. They have been getting into the trash around the campground so we’re all suppose to tie up our food.”

Leah: “Bears can smell blood from miles away.”  (Thanks Leah)

The following morning a repeat Carrie scene happens. Wash, rinse, repeat. My friend J lends me jeans as I’ve ruined all my pants. Thanks J, I know YOU had my back. (Bethany? 😛 )

So it was our final full day and I had run out of clogging material. Toilet paper was my last-ditch effort to save myself from embarrassment and J’s pants. But, I’m a bleeder everyone and that just wasn’t going to suffice. Apparently my body was set on making me anemic. My dad and I set off to the store, 5 miles away. Which meant everyone was asking why we were leaving. And everyone found out about my period card. I was so embarrassed.

It started to rain 5 minutes into the walk. SERIOUSLY? I have a wad of toilet paper shoved in my underwear, barely doing the job, and now it’s going to rain. Wait for it… I mean freaking pour. My dad put a poncho over me and my backpack. Not a normal one though, one he made from a trash bag. Thanks dad…

An hour had passed and we came upon a small diner in the middle of no where. I was grateful for the restroom. Maybe they would have one of those machines with tampons and pads! No, they didn’t. We took a little break, I shove more toilet paper up my cooter and we prepare to start walking again. My dad though, being a thinker, decides to ask for a ride to town and offers a couple of people gas money. They all say no. My dad asks one more person who had just got into their truck. An older guy in a pickup with a teenage boy in the front with him. (A TEENAGE BOY? A CUTE ONE! Oh no…please no.) The man was hesitant but my dad was desperate. I see him lean in and overhear, “My daughter got her first period while camping with our youth group. We’ve been hiking for over an hour and I really need to get her to a store. Please.” The guys look back out the window at me. I’m looking obviously distraught, drenched from the rain, with a face as red as cherries from embarrassment. He agrees. We hop into the back of his pickup, and get to the store rather quickly. What a godsend!

After paying an outrageous sum for the tampons and pads, we discovered public showers and I washed the Carrie remnants off me completely!  I felt so much better. We got a campsite in town for the night and waited around the next day for the rest of the youth group to make their way in.

And that, my readers, is the story of when I added The “Period” Card to my womanly hand.

Usage Guidelines: Use to excuse moody behaviour, weight gain/puffiness, laziness, missing work/school/prior commitments, and skipping gym class. Honestly, if you’re on your period and you don’t want to do something this card is the ticket! No one argues with you about its legitimacy, especially men. In fact, the mere mention of your period can make people stay away from you. SCORE! It’s good for something after all.

Expiration: When you are no longer on your period. However, 2 weeks before you can play The “Period” Card you are eligible to use The “PMS” Card. Which excuses irrational behaviour, weight gain and general bitchiness. When The “Period” Card is discarded, you become eligible for The “Menopause” Card. Congratulations Old Ladies.

Question PERIOD: Did you have a horrifying experience upon being dealt your period card? Do you take full advantage of this card or do you keep it hidden and tough it out? Or perhaps you use The “I’m sick but not really sick” Card instead? Share with me! I like to know how my ladies play their cards!

The “Life is Good” Card.

16 Apr

Ok, this is a fun card that isn’t used nearly enough, mostly because its rare amongst people to have it all together…

Usage guidelines: Use when life is good, there is money in the bank, and you’re out with your BFF’s.

Expiration: When life is no longer good, the bank account is depleted or you’d rather drink alone in your closet out of a paper bag.whichever comes first.

 

Scenario:

You’re surrounded by your friends. You’re happy and feeling awesome about life. You’ve got your nice butt jeans on and your cleavage is impeccable! Your personal life is together and you’re the shining star at work. Well done. You’re amazing.

You: Yell, “LIFE IS GOOD, DRINKS ON ME!”

BFF’s: “Hoot” “Cheer” “YAY!”, perhaps one gives you a flash of appreciation (my fave BFF form of thanks)

Spread your intoxication of life to your friends who have been by your side as you’ve  journeyed to the top.

Go on and share your joy – one free cosmo at a time. ❤

Back Burner’d Blog

22 Sep

Hello Readers!

 

I wanted to make a short post to let everyone know that my *blog* is being put on hold. I haven’t forgotten about it and I fully intend to start up again, but *blogging* about my past is far less important than actively playing my present hand.

An important fact about My Life of Cards:

When you genuinely love someone, you share their cards. You don’t get to pick and choose which ones you want to put in your own hand. The good, the bad, the ugly…all of them, they get thrown down in front of you the moment your loved one picks them up. And if you truly love them, you gather up the cards, place them in your hand and join the fight taking place in their present gameplay. These unexpected and challenging cards are taking precedence over most everything else in my own hand. In fact, these cards preoccupy every free moment I have to myself. Lucky for me though, I have plenty of capable teammates aiding me in so many ways and giving me the tools I need to play the cards in a healthy/productive way.

I AM SO GRATEFUL TO MY PLAYERS!

I have no intention to share these cards on my *blog* in the immediate future. But I may once they have been discarded and I have obtained a wealth of information on how to beat the crap outta them…  That could be years. So please, do not ask for details. But I will put out an unspoken prayer request.

 

Please pray for God’s continued grace to be exhibited through my words and actions. Please pray for strength, compassion, understanding, patience and that my faith in God will not waver.  If you have inspirational quotes or scriptures, please feel free to share them with me. I love reading God’s promises to his people and the words of wise people who know what they are talking about pertaining to life’s challenges.

 

I love you all and I thank you for supporting me in my present gameplay and subsequently, my loved one’s gameplay!