Tag Archives: Excuses

The “Intoxication Justification” Card

8 May

Usage Guidelines: Use to excuse poor judgement, particularly inappropriate behaviour or socially unacceptable acts.
Expiration: Whenever the receiver cares to revoke its validity. Because after all, this card is a cop-out. You know it, I know it, and the court of law especially knows it.

I’ve used this card a couple of times. My usual usage of it entails me while trying to excuse something I said or an inappropriate act, like peeing in a stranger’s front lawn and singing the “Cunt Song” far too loudly and way too early in the evening.

The card works on some people, others reject it immediately on the grounds that people are still in control of their behaviours, even whilst intoxicated. And sure, that’s true to an extent. I knew perfectly well that peeing in that person’s yard was a bad idea and an illegal act. But that facts were it was either their yard or my pants. I made a poor judgement call. But in all honesty, had I not urinated in their yard it most definitely would have been in my pants. 5 Jägerbombs and a couple of wine coolers were not going to stay put in my bladder for the 2 mile walk home. Hence, front yard peeing. When confronted with the irate homeowner yelling at me to “Get the eff off her lawn!” I hollered back, in my most composed and sincere voice, “I am so sorry. I am intoxicated and had to go. I promise I am doing no worse than your neighbors dog.” She started approaching me and I went into “pee super fast mode”, pulled up my pants and began running to catch up with my friends who had already took off at the first sight of her. This is an example of when  the “Intoxication Justification” Card is denied and I can guarantee the police wouldn’t have accepted it either had she reported me.

Significant others are the least inclined to accept this card. For example, My ex-husband put on my lingerie (consisting of a see-through baby doll and matching thong) and tried duck-taping my vibrator to his forehead. He then came out to show all our guests his ensemble. Sure he was intoxicated BUT not everyone was drunk enough to forget what he had done. I never recovered from that horrifying display and the subsequent stories that were told relaying it to his co-workers and friends alike. Whom I was in contact with daily. Oh balls…

This card can be pulled out to excuse sleeping in, breaking a vase or coffee table (ouch), argumentative behaviour, barfing on your friends’ carpet, swallowing a quarter, kissing a girl and liking it, mooning passerby’s, saying “cunt” more than one should, singing far too loudly and off-key, passing out in a taxi, falling off a deck, singeing the back hair off a friend, shaving a cat, throwing cake into random lawns, falling asleep completely naked in the hosts’ bathroom (This happened at my house twice by the same guy. I accepted the card but am left with life-long scars from the visuals)…honestly the list could go on forever. I allow this card for minor infractions like I listed, but infidelity and violence are never covered in my Gameplay.

Remember, this card is only valid to those whom believe in its sincerity. So use it as you wish but be prepared to beg for forgiveness, make a plea bargain in court or never show your face again, if it is rejected.

Cheers Mates!

Question Period:
Have you ever used the “Intoxication Justification” Card? What did you do and was it accepted or denied? Did it result in forgiveness, a slap in the face, or community service? I’d love to know!

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The “I’m sick but not really sick” Card

18 Aug

Usage Guidelines: When you want to break plans or deny invitations without being honest

Expiration: Never. But use sparingly…

Don’t act like you aren’t guilty of using this card. This terribly dishonest card is used to deceive people, you should all be ashamed! Haha, just kidding! Sometimes you need to get out of an engagement and “I dont want to go” doesn’t always cut it. It works like a charm doesn’t it? But please exercise caution! When you say you are sick, stay home. Don’t play the card then go off gallivanting through the city with your BFF’s. This card can go horribly wrong if misplayed. Trust me. When you tell your boss you can not attend the “4-hour snooze-fest seminar on how snails pro-create” because you are terribly ill, you will be fired when you make the Friday evening news for flashing people from atop a gay pride parade float! And not for your enthusiastic support of the gay community, but because you were LYING… Ok and maybe you are slightly inappropriate and that reflects poorly on the company, but that’s not the point is it? Liar.

WORD TO THE WISE: Do not overuse the “I’m sick but not really sick” card on the same person. They will catch on eventually or become overly concerned for your health and this is not what you want. If you find yourself repeatedly playing “liar” cards to get out of engagements with the same person, maybe you should rethink why they are in your life. It’s not fair to string people along. If their company is not desirable, stop being a coward and let them know you aren’t interested in what they have to offer.