Tag Archives: Food

Coffee Snob

23 May

We went grocery shopping last night. Amongst other staples, I needed coffee ASAP as I was completely out. The brand I usually get is the closest tasting to Starbucks that’s in my price range.  It’s not great, but good enough.


We made our way to the coffee isle. There was a sale on the Maxwell House brand. It was a whole $10 cheaper than what I usually buy. I hemmed and hawed, grabbed the darkest possible roast of Maxwell House, looked at it intently, put it back. Grabbed my usual, thought about it… Really, $10? How can I not buy Maxwell House? It just seemed so illogical at the time to buy my usual brand when something was so cheap. And it’s not like it was Instant Folgers or Tim Hortons…bleck!

T is looking at me like, “just pick one, it’s coffee”. He doesn’t understand. Every time I drink coffee other than Starbucks, a taste bud dies. Every morning my mouth holds a wake. He’ll never truly comprehend what I have given up in order to marry him….never.

I resolved to get Maxwell House with the idea that if I’m going to settle for sub-par coffee, I might as well save 10 dollars doing so. I hung my head as I walked back to the cart, I felt so defeated inside.


This morning arrives. I open the coffee. I am instantly assaulted with a miasma of disappointment. It smells like dirt and misfortune. Second, for a “Rich Dark Roast” it’s the color of terra-cotta. I was half-tempted to make tea and dump out the whole can, but I didn’t. This was about trying something new, and perhaps growing a little. I tried to be optimistic, really, I did try. I hesitantly loaded the grounds into the filter. I felt like I was abusing my poor Bunn. I made enough for 1 cup, and poured it into my favorite cup. I thought the cup may help up the enjoyment factor.

No, no, absolute NO! The first sip killed at least 3 taste buds, the second took out at least 5. Can’t do it, won’t do it, wouldn’t force this on my arch nemesis. OK, maybe I would… but not on anyone else.

I thought maybe if I doubled the amount of grounds it would produce something more palatable. I ran another cup through. No, worse. Oh balls.  How could it be worse?! All it did was enhance the taste of fresh death as it killed 6 more taste buds. I could not subject my mouth to this again. There was no hope for this coffee. No amount of cream or sugar would improve its bouquet or flavor.

I’m certain that if a unicorn appeared, serving me this cup of coffee from a tray it carried on its back, I would still be unable to drink it. (Honestly though, a unicorn would totally serve up something better than Maxwell House. Like magic guava juice or Starbucks with champagne bubbles.)

Down the drain it went along with my opportunity to grow.


I tried to settle and be content with my $10 of savings, but I couldn’t. I tried my very hardest to be optimistic but failure screamed down my throat as I swallowed. It burned my stomach lining with the acidity of mediocrity.

At least I can say I tried, and hey, it only cost me 4 bucks….


Question Period: Is there anything in your life you have to have?  We all have our “things”. Please Share!

Sausage Condoms. What?!

10 May

This morning started off just like every morning. B woke up with T around 7am. They went downstairs to snuggle and wake up. They usually watch some sort of super hero movie or cartoon, this morning it was Spiderman. I packed up lunch for T. We said our goodbyes and received lots of kisses. He then took the trash to the curb and left for work. Pretty basic morning routine for us.

It was time for B and I to eat breakfast and since I was in the mood for sausage and eggs….

Me- “Bug, do you want sausage and eggs for breakfast?”
B yells back- “No! I want marshmallows, hotdogs and cheese. Warmed up in the microwave please!”
I leave the kitchen in order to tell him in person- “Dude, you’re gross.”
B replies very seriously- “No, I’m hungry for what I like.”

(B is nearly 4 but he has the quick wit I started exhibiting at the age of 8)

B was disappointed when I denied the warmed-up marshmallows, hotdog and cheese dish. I told him, “You’ll live.” He shrugged saying, “I know Momma, but I won’t be happy about it.” “What if I made you that for lunch?” “Ok that sounds like a deal. But I won’t smile about it.” He then went back to watching Spiderman.

I opened the sausage package and read the instructions. I found it odd that they came with cooking instructions. Don’t you just cook them over medium heat, turning to brown them? Anywho, the instructions told me to place them in a skillet, cook over medium heat, adding 1/3 cup water to the pan. Cover and steam them for 10 minutes or until reaching 170 degrees.

I’ve never steamed sausage before. But since I had never cooked this brand, I did as I read.

  1. They turned out a really weird fleshy grey color that was NOT appealing to look at it.
  2. They seemed to have water and air trapped under the casing.
  3. They felt a little slimy.

Something was wrong with these sausages. When I took them off the heat, they “deflated” and the watery juice came out. They now looked like ripply-pruned skin that’s been in water for far too long. Or a very old person’s hand? Take your pick. After cooling a bit more the skin still looked old but tight. Like overly moisturized old lady hands. (I’m aware “moisturized” is not a word. It’s going to bother me all day.)

I brought the sausage out to the living room to see if B would notice how weird they looked. He didn’t. He took a bite. He paused while chewing and says, “Mom, these taste like pancakes and feel weird in my mouth.” He looked intently at the sausage on the plate in front of him while chewing and said, “The sausage is peeling. I think you did something wrong. Fix them please.” I agreed. I couldn’t eat them like that either.

I took them into the kitchen to do sausage surgery.

All I could think of while doing this was “Sausage Condom”.

I peeled off 8 sausage condoms and created my own little pile of sausage sheaths.

I wasn’t quite sure if I could eat the sausages now, but, I was pretty hungry. So I resolved to forget the whole experience and feast on some post peeled sausages. I brought them back out.

B inspected them and gave me his smile of approval. He took a bite and was pretty happy.

A couple bites in B calls out. “Mom? Can you come here?” I enter the room. He’s holding his fork in the air with a piece of sausage that’s been dipped in ketchup.

He says, “This sausage is like a Zombie. It just keeps peeling.” There is a small piece of skin hanging off of the sausage. B begins to cackle in his maniacal way and continues talking about the sausage. He is totally mocking me too. I can tell. He thinks I am a sausage cooking failure. “If the Hulk saw this sausage he’d say HULK SMASH! And Thor would shoot it with lightning from his hammer.” “B, I’m pretty sure the Avengers wouldn’t concern themselves with my sausauge. I bet Ironman would eat it.” B pauses and for a second I think he may agree with me. No, he doesn’t. “I’m pretty sure Ironman would shoot it with his arc light.” Nice B, nice. “Will you get this skin off for me? Please.” I do. He eats it all then looks to me and says, “Thanks mom. I hope lunch is better…” (I’m sure it will be. How can I mess up marshmallows, hotdogs and cheese?)

I peeled off sausage condoms for that little boy of mine and he gives me heck all through breakfast.

I hope everyone has a great start to their morning and no one ever has to encounter sausage condoms…

So disturbing.

UPDATE: B’s lunch WAS a success. Picture proof.