Tag Archives: God

It’s Time To Do It Right, Lace

13 Jun

Do It Right. That’s my motto.

I pride myself on “Doing It Right” in my life but after a morning of meditation, I acknowledged that I have been falling short. I have to make a change. No more half measures. I refuse to be a hypocrite.

How can I go around telling my friends, family and strangers to “Do it right!” when I am not actively giving it 100%? And I so love to tell them, “DO IT RIGHT!”.

Hence, I am discontinuing parts of my blog, My First Hand and Living the Re-Deal, and beginning to write a book. I have real content to share that goes deeper than a 5 minute read once or twice a week. I need to be able to write without leaving parts out “because it would be too long for a blog post.” I also need to stop hiding behind this blog. I know I am hiding. It feels safe here in the world-wide-web but its high time I step out of this comfort zone.

See, me living today is a miracle. Every day I spend on this earth without pain and paralysis is a blessing. God healed my body and because of him I have the opportunity to write my story and share it in its entirety. And my inspired story deserves a book. I am sure of it!

I will leave up the posts in The First Hand and Living the Re-Deal but there will be no more added in the future. It’s time I Did It Right, and started putting my life down on paper. (My mom is going to be so happy about this.)

Not to worry though! You can still look forward to my ramblings, rants and interactions with my son and husband which will be posted in Present Gameplay, as well, I will be putting more into my Cards of Life and The Players.

I’m kind of excited actually. I feel I can give more to my readers now that I am streamlining my content and I hope you enjoy following me nonetheless.

Cheers!

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Recovery

16 Apr

Since September it’s been constant stages of recovery for me. My health was in a bad place and as my readers know, I was thrown a new hand from a player. Lucky for me there were a lot of things going in my favour.

I have players who never cease to amaze me. They are full of insight, strength and encouragement. I’m also wicked smart and intuitive, which helps me all the time in life situations. I also have never been so happy to be an American.

The new cards shook my whole life. I hate to be so vague about it all but it’s not the time and especially not the place. The big WWW just isn’t appropriate as a sharing platform. At least not this early in the game. All I can say is it got hairy and was touch and go for a while. And not in the good “touch and go” way…  There wasn’t a lot of self-help books for me, which I found very disappointing. And everything I did read kinda seemed like a “Duh.” in my mind. The advice they were giving in the books were so OBVIOUS, I could have written the book before this experience. That all being said, I guess God gave me something I could handle even though it felt like a ginormous kick to the metaphorical balls. I had this inner peace from the beginning even though my whole being felt pain. I knew what way to go, what to say, how to act…. I just knew it all. And for that I am grateful. These cards will most likely, in some way, be in my life forever. But I am confident that their impact, although initially devastating, will eventually turn into the single greatest growing experience my life will ever endure. Or I should hope…

I’ve always been proud to be an American. I might have some issues with our political system and its MAJOR malfunctions… I’ll stop there. This blog WILL NOT turn political. Obama 2012!!! …. (I tried not to write that, really I did. I wrote that during the editing of this post. What is my problem!?!?! See, always room for growth.)

As people know I have health issues. I struggle with my health all the time. Weird stuff usually, that has no rhyme or reason. Something is always going on with my body that’s not even related to my past MD problems. That all being said, the most recent odd thing was bursitis in my right shoulder as well as a concussion, given to me by my ever-dancing son. The pain from my shoulder became unmanageable and the concussion left me with social anxieties and constant headaches. My son and I flew to Seattle in February, back to home to my parentals, to get the care I couldn’t receive in Canada.  GOD BLESS THE USA and their flawed but wonderful healthcare system!!! After 2 1/2 months I am pain-free in my shoulder and it’s running at about 80% function. And although there was no hands-on help to be had with my concussion related issues (the anxiety could last forever they say), I did get a nifty medication that nipped the headaches in the bud as well as a medicine that aids my natural ability to sleep. Things are looking up for me in the health department. Every issue is under good management now, and with the new incorporation of clean eating/vegan lifestyle I am sure my arthritis flare ups will decrease and my energy level with increase. Cheers to good health!!!

So you’re up to speed on my Present Gameplay. I’m back in Canada, I’m working daily on myself physically, mentally and spiritually. Ever searching for that perfect balance to bring true happiness and completeness. Life, despite its many challenges has only strengthened me.

As you know (if you don’t, now you will) “Pain is just weakness leaving your body”. Some day, I’m going be epic strong. Like the Hulk, only zen-like without the green exterior, or male, or huge. Just small, and strong, and peaceful. OK, so maybe nothing like the Hulk. Dang it. I’ll be epic though, in my own Lacey way.

QUESTION PERIOD:
Have you ever had an experience that was horrible, challenging, scary or heartbreaking, but you came out of it like a superhero? And felt all epic-like afterward? Tell me about it, and be as detailed or as vague as you wish!

I’m ready. Are you?

11 Apr

HELLO FRIENDS, FAMILY, AND RANDOM STRANGERS (who came here cuz I tagged balls again)!

I am preparing to take my *blog* off of the back burner and set it on the front burner…on high setting. Hmm, feels a bit like a failed analogy. Oh well. Moving on.

My current hand has been a constant challenge since my last post in September, but I’ve finally got a handle on it now. I haven’t conquered it but I have found ways to manage it and be enlightened by it. I have been so blessed with the support of my parents, husband, my in-laws and my bestie… Without them I don’t know how I would have managed. Probably poorly, so thanks!

There are two sayings that have repeatedly encouraged me to continue moving forward and I’d like to share those with you now.

1. If God brings you to it, he will bring you through it.

2. God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.
Amen.

 
The first one I found written on a cute little woven picture, at the dollar store (SCORE). I hung it in our living room, right where I can see it throughout the day. When I would lose focus of my hopes and felt so defeated, I would stare at that picture and find renewed faith in my life and hope for eventual change and healing. Nothing is ever impossible when God is with you.

The second one is called “The Serenity Prayer” and is widely known for being the prayer (condensed by a mile though) said at AA Meetings and other 12-step programs alike. Although I’ve never been to or needed an AA Meeting, I’ve always admired this prayer growing up. It used to comfort me and help me gain perspective. It always has a calming effect when I say it aloud. So, I thought of it often and prayed it during meditation and it seemed to help set my mind in the right mental path for the day.

Over the past eight months I have come to a couple realizations and have been changing myself as I went along, and some will be implemented shortly. I’ll share a few with you.

  •  God’s grace is the most amazing gift you can show to someone. When you give grace to another human, true grace and forgiveness, it not only comforts and aids the other person, but it opens the doors for spiritual growth. I’ve been able to show this kind of grace and forgiveness, and let me tell you, I am better for it. I know when people think of me, they don’t think of grace. I can be cut-throat-brutally-honest…but it’s always from a place of love. I think they all know that and appreciate it. BUT in this certain case, I dropped the hard edge and picked up God’s love. It was in fact the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I am striving daily to continue doing it. “Graceless Lace” will be a thing of the past, unless of course by special request. I’ll still make myself available for those who desire a good verbal kick in the tush, with love, of course.
  • I have an addiction to computer games, baking, food and Facebook.
  1. I have given up all computer games and have vowed to keep my gaming strictly “tabletop”.
  2. I have to continue eating and baking, such a drag I can’t just cut that out. But I have found a healthy alternative to what I had been doing. I’ve started a Clean Eating Diet and will be slowly transitioning into a mostly vegan lifestyle. I will continue to bake/cook for my friends and family who love, appreciate and request my talents, but no longer will I come up with excuses to make “Slutty Brownies” at 10pm. My body is my temple and I am choosing to fuel it right!
  3. As for Facebook, well, this is hard for me. I feel so isolated from my friends and family in the states when I’m all the way up in Canadaland. Facebook has been my lifeline so to speak and I always thought I couldn’t be happy in Canada without it. That without Facebook I would just be a lonely sack of loneliness. It turns out I am wrong. Recently upon a trip to Seattle I came to the harsh realization that being a friend on Facebook does not equate to a friend in real life. Out of the dozens I have from the area I saw 4 friends one on one. 4. I saw my family from the area several times, and was blessed with gas money to see my family in Portland for a couple of days. Family will be family without Facebook. Family will call, email, Skype, pay for my gas to see them… They remain untouched by distance and time. With friends it’s different. In some instances when you are apart for a long time, your lives move in different directions.  The saying is true, friends come and go. Recently some chose to stay, some chose to go. And I am OK with this. It’s life, and I want mine to be without a false sense of friendship and popularity . I’ll be making my final “goodbye” to Facebook this week and letting everyone know how to reach me if they so desire. I do have genuine love/like for everyone on my Facebook, I just want more than a convenient comment on their lunch break. No malice here, nothing but love peeps. But I have to let Facebook GO.
  • I have 2 passions and I’m good at them. Its time for me to let go of whatever is holding me back from pursuing them, and just DO IT! I used to think it was a fear of being judged, I also thought maybe it was a fear of success or failure. But I don’t think either of those are it anymore. And because I can’t think of a reasonable reason for not pursuing them, I shall be moving forward.
  1. Don’t get too excited but I’m going to attempt to write my first book. I have several ideas, so maybe I’ll write a couple. Who knows!?! It’s so exciting to finally be putting all these thoughts that have been living in the crevices of my mind down on paper. Errr…into a computer simulating paper. I might even use a fancy font, so I can pretend I am writing in 1905.  And, I have always had this dream of writing sentiments in Hallmark cards professionally (not just illegally). It’s almost as weird as my dream of being a gas attendant. But not quite…
  2. I will be working hard on my photography. I find immense pleasure from photography and some say I have “a good eye” for finding unique beauty in nature. I love God’s earth and everything he decorated it with and the old lady next door… she did a good job too! I’m thinking about post cards, eBay, and Etsy. I might even take a photography course and wear a lot of black and get long bangs… I just might 😉

 

That’s that for now. I’ll be making regular posts starting next Monday… SO BE READY! =)

Some cliché sign off (you pick!),

Lace

Back Burner’d Blog

22 Sep

Hello Readers!

 

I wanted to make a short post to let everyone know that my *blog* is being put on hold. I haven’t forgotten about it and I fully intend to start up again, but *blogging* about my past is far less important than actively playing my present hand.

An important fact about My Life of Cards:

When you genuinely love someone, you share their cards. You don’t get to pick and choose which ones you want to put in your own hand. The good, the bad, the ugly…all of them, they get thrown down in front of you the moment your loved one picks them up. And if you truly love them, you gather up the cards, place them in your hand and join the fight taking place in their present gameplay. These unexpected and challenging cards are taking precedence over most everything else in my own hand. In fact, these cards preoccupy every free moment I have to myself. Lucky for me though, I have plenty of capable teammates aiding me in so many ways and giving me the tools I need to play the cards in a healthy/productive way.

I AM SO GRATEFUL TO MY PLAYERS!

I have no intention to share these cards on my *blog* in the immediate future. But I may once they have been discarded and I have obtained a wealth of information on how to beat the crap outta them…  That could be years. So please, do not ask for details. But I will put out an unspoken prayer request.

 

Please pray for God’s continued grace to be exhibited through my words and actions. Please pray for strength, compassion, understanding, patience and that my faith in God will not waver.  If you have inspirational quotes or scriptures, please feel free to share them with me. I love reading God’s promises to his people and the words of wise people who know what they are talking about pertaining to life’s challenges.

 

I love you all and I thank you for supporting me in my present gameplay and subsequently, my loved one’s gameplay!

Just Sharing

15 Sep

Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers but to be fearless in facing them.

Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it.

Let me not look for allies in life’s battlefield but to my own strength.

Let me not crave in anxious fear to be saved but hope for the patience to win my freedom.

Grant me that I may not be a coward, feeling your mercy in my success alone; But let me find the grasp of your hand in my failure.

~Rabindranath Tagore~

 

I found this quote to be inspiring today. If anyone is dealing with any kind of challenge in life, know there is nothing that can not be overcome. Know that you are stronger than you think. God never gives people burdens they can not bare, and he puts people in your life to help carry the load. You are never truly alone. Have faith in God, yourself and the people who love you. Hold to hope and allow yourself to be vulnerable.

I love you all. Hope you have a wonderful day!

Success is not final, failure is not fatal:

25 Aug

It is the courage to continue that counts. ~Winston Churchill

Leaving the city associated with my physical and emotional pain, as well my countless regretful choices, made it so much easier to find perspective concerning the past 3 years of my life and to focus on my body’s healing. To put it mildly though, I had a lot of crap to sort through and learn from. Over the course of a couple of months I stayed strict to my body’s healing regimen and used a journal to recount the prior three years. Sometimes I would just write everything out as it happened, and other times I would express my emotions through poetry. I addressed everything I was proud of and everything I was ashamed of. I addressed every type of pain and what or who was associated with it.  It wasn’t easy looking back in with a clear mind, no longer clouded by narcotics. To see my past as it truly was made me feel terrible inside. What I did to my body and how I misused my parents’ trust was shameful in the least. Oh how I regretted so many things! How do people continue on in life with this feeling and still feel good about themselves? Is it possible?

I found that it wasn’t possible for me. In order to feel good about myself and move on happily in my life, I had to address each regret. I had to “right the wrongs” so to say. Whether it was to my parents, my siblings, a friend, God or myself…

God came first on the list of righting wrongs but he was already in the know. There wasn’t much to tell him since the guy sees everything… I repented for all the sins that stained my soul. I knew I had found forgiveness when he granted me the strength and courage to forge on to the next in line, My parents. I knew there was nothing I could tell them that would change their love for me but seeing their hurt and disappointment was going to be so much harder than baring it all. And it truly was. That day I made an inner-vow to always be transparent and honest with my parents. I kept that vow consistently to this day, excepting one more recent period of time where I felt justified in my reasoning (this will be covered soon). Sometimes I even share when it’s totally unnecessary and contains somewhat inappropriate content for parents… But they love me just the same and take me as I am!

Communicating my regrets with the people I loved became very freeing for me.  There were no more secrets looming about. Lacey has some ugly history and everyone knows it. Talk about a weight lifted off my shoulders! Once I took accountability for my actions and everyone I loved had forgiven me, I had to convince my biggest critic that I was deserving of forgiveness and a clear conscience. It wasn’t easy in the least, but I eventually managed to win myself over. I turned the negative choices into positive learning experiences. Then I let go of all the shame and regrets…time to move forward happily.

 

Now it was time to pursue a life adventure. I was just itching to get out into the world on my own in someway I never thought possible. I was positive my body could handle this now, I could feel it. I wish I would have chosen to go back to college and give a second go at becoming a Child Psychologist, but I didn’t. Perhaps I was too afraid to try again, or maybe it was God’s plan, I really don’t know. But for some reason I got it in my head to become a nanny.

I signed up on a few nanny-search websites and had really good luck right off the bat. Three families were interested in hiring me and actively pursuing me within a month of posting my ad. When it came down to choosing there was one clear choice: The family from Oregon City, OR. They claimed to be a Christian family who was very down to earth and loving. They had two girls ages 10 and 12 who were very active in sports and in need of an “older sister” figure. To top it all off they were very wealthy and offered me a generous wage, a new car to be at my disposal along with a gas allowance, as well as the entire basement of there near-mansion-sized home to call my own. There really didn’t seem to be a down-side to this arrangement. After several emails, phone calls and a background check I shipped my belongings off to Oregon City. Soon after I drove up to Boise with my brother, where I hopped on a plane and arrived at my new life adventure!

(There is a story completely in itself pertaining to the drive from Las Cruces to Boise with my brother, but I’m going to save it for a post that’s coming soon.)

 

So there I was, Lacey the Nanny. I was living my re-deal and it felt good!

Poker Face

25 Aug

People in my life have been emailing me after reading my posts and are expressing that they had no idea I was in so much pain (they all knew I had muscle issues but not always the full extent of the impact), or that I faced so many challenges or disappointments so early on. No one has told me this, but I am getting the impression that they are feeling as if they may not know me as well as they thought. Or that they now think our friendship/relationship wasn’t as deep as it should or could have been. Almost like they are just now getting to know the very core of me and why I am the woman they love.

I wanted to take time to validate your feelings and let you know that it is by no fault of own if you did not know the in’s and out’s of all that was “me”. I am completely at fault and so beyond guilty for you not knowing what you are reading of.

Years before Lady Gaga wrote the song, I had mastered the art of the “Poker Face”. From the moment I was dealt my first hand I utilized it fully. The Poker Face was essential to my overall happiness in life for two reasons. One, I was determined to not let my friends and family see my true level of pain, or any other emotion that would make them feel sympathy. Sympathy was not something I wanted from them. I wanted these teammates to be strong and not stricken with worry. Secondly, I needed this face to give me strength to get through whatever challenged me. I used the face as a distraction from the reality of my hand, making myself less able to dwell on whatever I was suffering from physically or mentally. My poker face was mostly made up of non-stop humor and the smiles brought to the faces of the people around me often supplied the driving force behind my perseverance.

When I wore the Poker Face I was able to fool people who knew me and even myself sometimes. After reading emails and talking personally with some friends about my posts, I can’t help but feel I lied my way through my hand and even to some of my key players. Maybe we will call it omission, yeah that sits better with me somehow…

I wish I could say I regret wearing the Poker Face so very often. That I wish I could go back and discard it, to be transparent with those around me but that would be a bigger lie than the Poker Face itself.

I (as a child) wouldn’t have been able to find the strength to persevere  if I could see worry and pain permanently etched on the faces of my players, my soul would have disintegrated.  From the perspective of the woman I am today, I can’t help but think I robbed my players of a chance to challenge themselves. Had I not worn the face so often, maybe others could have risen to the occasion and worn the Poker Face for me… For this I am regretful. I regret not having faith in my players to be strong enough for me to be weak and depriving them of an opportunity to lend me their strength. I wish I would have allowed myself to show weakness and vulnerability more often and to more people.

At 24-years-old I now understand the importance of showing weakness and being vulnerable with the people I love and trust (and even some strangers). I’d be lying if I said I retired the Poker Face completely as sometimes it’s necessary for the greater good of life in general. For the most part though, when faced with a challenge (physical, mental or emotional) I can not easily overcome by myself I do not hesitate to call upon my exquisite teammates for help.

God places people in our lives so we never have to be physically or emotionally alone. Have faith that God has purposefully chosen your teammates, who are all capable of aiding you in whatever hand you are dealt. In fact, God may have placed specific people on your team to give them the chance to show his love, his strength and for their own person growth. Please do not rob them of the blessing they could give you, and in turn, themselves.

Poor and content is rich, and rich enough.

22 Aug

I love Shakespeare for his ability to relate life circumstances through such beautiful verse. Often times he’s stating the obvious, like in the famous verse from Romeo and Juliet. Juliet asks, “What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” It’s so beautifully written but so very plain in meaning. Which is how I want my posts to come across, beautifully written but plain in meaning.

As I stated in previous posts, I grew up poor. My dad had chosen to follow God’s calling and become a Pastor. The clergy do not make much money unless they are apart of those huge, televised congregations… So yeah, the whole family was dealt the “I’m Poor” card because a servant of the Lord doesn’t receive a large salary. We had to stick together in order to get through that deal.

The amazing thing is I never felt poor, I never felt like a poverty stricken child. Even when we were living in a tent in my grandparent’s yard (My mom burned our house down. Hahaha, had to Momma), getting food from the food-bank, receiving hand-me-downs from our financially better-off friends and family, or getting Christmas presents from strangers who picked our name off the tree at a local church. Why didn’t this affect me you ask? Well, because love holds it’s weight in gold. The love freely given by our family and friends, by our church and community but mostly because of the ever-present love in our home, made  me feel so very rich.

Love was so abundant in our home that it created its own force, like the pull of gravity. Our home became the “local hangout” for all our childhood friends. It was the place to be even though we had very little to offer in the form of luxuries, or even food. It was a magnet to children and teens, everyone felt the love inside and that’s all they were coming for.

Twice we were blessed with amazingly timed cash gifts. Still to this day we have no clue who left the wads in our mailbox, but we are eternally grateful to the person or family. If they happen to read this blog, thank you so much for your unconditional giving. I hope you were blessed as immensely as we were by your blind faith.

We as a family have several people to thank for the aid they gave us time after time. For the money, food, gas, shoes, clothes and the occasional awesome hand-me-down video game console (thanks cousins)! All of this giving translated to love. By being surrounded by people who unconditionally loved me and my family, I was able to be poor and content. I indeed felt more rich than anyone I knew.

We may not have had a penny to offer anyone, but our family always had an open heart, an open house, and a willingness to serve those in need however we could. So when things get tough financially and you feel you can not get through it, hold to hope and hold to those who love you. If you allow yourself to focus on love and not possessions, I can guarantee you will feel rich as well. Have faith that God will provide what you need but do not sit idling waiting for provisions to be delivered via FedEx. You must be proactive as well. You must give to those around you in whatever form you have to offer. Whether it be by donating your time, your skills, or simply offering up some unconditional love. God will bless you as you bless others, it’s just how he works.

…and all the men and women merely players.

20 Aug

In any card game two things are required; Cards and Players. In my life of cards I have had some amazing players on my team who have aided me with their wisdom, strength, faith, support and mere presence. I have God to thank for supplying such an ample and able force to help with the hand dealt to me early on. There are a select few that played a vital role in every round that took place from “The first hand” and on. Often times these players would postpone their own game play for the sake of supporting me in my personal hand. Those sacrifices never went unnoticed, and you all deserve a giant, golden, ruby encrusted trophy filled with Whoopass! (I’m not being crude, it’s my favorite drink by Jones Soda Co. and I usually do not share it.)

To my teammates: You are my family and my friends. Your strength and love is woven into my soul and I will forever be grateful for the blessing of existing with you.

 

*If you would like to read about my outstanding teammates, please visit the Player Category*

Anger is the folly of a fool…

19 Aug

I thought the most difficult part of this…ugh…blog *cringe* would be recounting my childhood pain and challenges. But oddly enough that has flown out of my heart and into the computer with ease. I’ve had some teary-eyed moments as I type out experiences no child should have to endure, but it’s not hard for me. What I am struggling with is writing about my current life, what I refer to as my “Re-Deal”. I’m searching inside of me trying to understand why I am shying away from sharing my re-deal with you all, and I’ve yet to discover the reason. I guess baby steps are a good start, so I’ll tell you the story of the beginning of the rest of my life.

 

My life changed at the age of 17. The complete story of how and why it changed you will read about in a few weeks. Sorry not going to give it away just yet, sort of the climax of my entire story! But indeed it did changed. I was pain-free for the first time in 13 years, and it wasn’t drug induced. This was nothing short of a miracle. Disorders like the one I have don’t go into a full-on remission. All I had wanted for the past two years was to live pain-free but I didn’t think I would achieve that without death. But I was wrong, my life had just opened up in a way I never thought it would. I now could envision my future. I could have dreams and goals and it seemed I would have time to accomplish them. I also now had some regrets I’d have to live with.

I don’t want to give away specifics as I have plans for certain stories but I had written off a lot of things in my life as impossible. They were impossible because I was certain I wouldn’t live past 21, that’s what my doctor said when I was 14. When adults know they are going to die they usually try to spend as much quality time as possible with the ones they love. They want to make good memories, cherish every moment, and leave the earth knowing they lived a good life, one of purpose and meaning. But when a teenager realizes they are going to die, and die young, well… Their choices are a little less about other people and more about themselves. Or at least mine were from 14 to 17. Because of this “death sentence” I made some terrible decisions. I lived life recklessly, I deceived my parents and misused their trust. None of my choices were ones God would have been proud of. God was so far from my mind and heart, I was mad at him. It hadn’t always been like that though. I was cool with God and was willing to do his work through my pain until I realized I didn’t get to stick around very long. I was so angry. I felt like he used and abused me. Where was God’s love in taking me away? Did God not see my value? Because of this anger I began to associate with people I shouldn’t have, I put myself in places I shouldn’t have been, I turned to recreational drugs and drinking. Why not right? I was going to die anyway and I really didn’t care if Jesus welcomed me into heaven or not…

My motto during those years was “Play hard, Pay for it Later”. And I did pay for it. My muscles were wasting away and the pain was so bad that a mixture of Methadone, Oxycontin and muscle relaxers didn’t cut it. My kidneys were on the border of failure, my liver was struggling, and paralysis no longer only affected my legs but occasionally my arms as well. I was growing tired of this lifestyle, but I still had a lot of anger in my heart.

But a change happened inside my heart eventually. I remember laying in my bed unable to move my legs because of a hard-partying weekend, the anger filling me up. I called out to God (in my head) asking him why? Why are you going to let me die? Why do you not love me? I would have done anything for you, and you’re going to let me die! I know God spoke to me then. It was the first time I had listened long enough to hear an answer in years.

Its strange trying to describe God talking me. It’s not really words, but feelings that have an interpretation. God never said I was going to die before age 21, a doctor did. God never said I had to leave everyone I loved, or that he didn’t value my life… I did. It was all me, not God. Instead of coming to him with my feelings, instead of praying for guidance and peace, I jumped to anger. I had forsaken him, he had never forsaken me. God still loved me, and I was ready to make it up to him but first…I had to throw up.  I’m not joking, I really did. It wasn’t from a hangover either, it was from feeling God’s presence so keenly that it overpowered me. I hadn’t felt something like that in my entire life.

I began to take steps to change my life. I started with getting rid of the toxic people in my life which meant I was left with 1 friend (I love you K) and the next step I took lead me to my eventual remission, or perhaps it was a healing. The hardest part of this multi-step process was clearing my conscience and this meant coming clean to my parents. I know what I told them broke their hearts and brought disappointment, I am sure of it. I had lied and deceived them, and broke their trust. But they loved me just the same and commended me for being so transparent and honest. To this day I am grateful for their unconditional love, trust, friendship and support.

 

I shared this with you all in hopes that you won’t let anger keep you from blessings. I never would have gotten my re-deal if I didn’t let my wall of anger fall. I would have died before the age 21 and it wouldn’t have been God’s doing, it would have been my own. God did have a plan for me and he executed it perfectly…as he always does.

 

Not everyone believes in the same God or shares the same beliefs but I think we all can agree together that anger does nothing good for a person. If you are holding on to anger, I urge you to let go of it. Don’t let anger rob you of possible joys. Life is too short waste it on an non-productive emotion.