Did you know July is my favorite month? Well, it is and has been for years. I love everything about July. The weather, the festivals, the fresh produce, the holiday! How could a month that starts with fireworks be anything but extraordinary!?
Well, I’ll tell you.
I had all these hopes and dreams for July. I was going to have my favorite month all to myself. I was to be on a vacation from motherhood. Tanning, reading, eating what I wanted, sleeping nude, cooking nude, having crazy sex anywhere at anytime with T. This month was going to be peaceful and relaxing and free! I would have no responsibilities, nothing pulling me away from writing, this was to be “The Month of Cards”! But unfortunately, this month did not live up to the hype I created in my head.
I find myself too sad to write anything funny. I feel so lonely that I find myself doing absolutely nothing, just waiting for T to come home. I have no motivation to even enjoy the beautiful weather and have tanned all of 1 hour this week. I downloaded my book so I could listen to it because I feel too depressed to read. The plants in my garden are withering away because B would always water them with me in the mornings and evenings. And this morning, well, this morning I had a bit of a melt down.
I cooked bacon and eggs for breakfast. I dished up 2 plates and set them on the table. I called out, “Buggy! Breakfast!” and then silence. B is gone. I sat down looking at my plate, and then to B’s empty seat beside mine. I sobbed into my bacon.
How does one enjoy life without the key ingredient to joy?
I never realized how BIG of a part this little man played in my life. I love him, I enjoy his company, he’s my son. But it’s so much more. Maybe it’s unhealthy, maybe this is normal. Whatever it is, I’ve at least learned something.
I will never take my time with him for granted. Perhaps I haven’t truly been appreciative of my son and all he adds to my life. He’s just always been there, like the sun and moon and stars. I never had to imagine a world without him, because he was always with me.
July Sucks Balls. I didn’t want a learning experience and I didn’t want to search myself and realize I’ve been taking my son for granted. Looking hard into oneself is not relaxing, in fact it’s uncomfortable and sometimes ugly.
I guess I should probably do a bit more growing and thank July for sucking balls. Because it’s made me a better mother, and at least for that, I am truly grateful.
Dear July 2012,
I have thoroughly searched myself and I feel I have grown as an individual and a mother. Now, can I please have some fun?
Your biggest admirer,