Ever since my concussion (read all about it HERE and HERE) I have felt emotionally unstable. Because of the Post Concussion Syndrome, I have frequent headaches and experience anxiety in social situations (even when I’m with my close friends and family), loud noises or chaotic environments trigger attacks, small things I used to not fret over worry me and make my heart palpitate, and in addition to the anxiety the concussion caused depression as well.
From the usual content of my writing this may come as a shock to you. I keep my posts humourous and upbeat no matter how I might be feeling on that particular day. I find that when I force myself to write, even when I am mentally in a dark hole, it helps turn my day around. I work really hard to search out a happy place and when I find it, I start to write and share what I found with the world.
I enjoy writing. I enjoy laughing. And I especially enjoy other people’s laughter. But this past week has been torture. I don’t know why it’s been worse than usual. My body is even feeling it. My legs are fatiguing and last night I felt pain in them that I hadn’t felt in months, my joints are aching, I even find myself frowning and scowling for no particular reason. It hard to find pleasure in anything. I can’t seem to look forward to fun things we’ve planned for this weekend, and that just makes me mad.
What really gets me going though? I know all these feelings are irrational. I have no reason to be sad, disappointed, agitated, depressed, angry, or anxious. I feel hyper aware that my mental state does not fit my situation in life and that makes me even more agitated and frustrated.
My life has improved in so many ways over the last few months. My hubby graduated college a few months ago and he has a great job in a very cool field, We have money now (such a relief of stress), I’ve been able to visit home a few times in Seattle, I got to see my brother get married, My son is growing more awesome with each passing day, I’ve lost 3 lbs, I have a couple of friends in Canadaland now, And my application for permanent residency is currently under evaluation and should be approved by the end of the year. Seriously, I should be happy. I should be loving life, enjoying the beautiful summer with my son and husband. But I’m struggling, and that frustrates me.
I’ve been to a few doctors about these issues and each time they say there is nothing they can do for me because the problems are caused by my post concussion syndrome, not a chemical imbalance or an inability to cope with a crisis. They say this could last from a few months, to several years, or the rest of my life. I wish I could take a pill for a while, or get some counseling and be better. But those remedies won’t help me. I feel like there they are telling me there is no hope but time, and I don’t want to accept that.
I want myself back. I don’t want to have to dig myself out of this stupid dark hole anymore, I want to always be in the beautiful light of life. I don’t want “good days and bad days”. I want to be the Lacey I was before the concussion. The rational, emotionally stable, spontaneous, upbeat, positive, excited about life, always looking on the bright side, Lacey. I hate that I have to force a smile on my face, I feel so fake doing it. But the anxiety and depression are the true disingenuous a-holes. They are both LIARS and exist in a false reality.
I know that my anxiety and depression are affecting my son and husband, and that breaks my heart. This past week has been especially hard for everyone I think. I try to make up for all my neurotic behaviour when I have a good day, but I haven’t had one of those in over a week and it’s not for my lack of trying. And it just adds to how horrible I feel when my husband is all sweet, caring, loving, understanding… I feel worse when he is so good about it all. How’s that for crazy?
I don’t know where I was going with this post, or if I had a point I was going to make. Honestly, no clue… I do however know that a lot of people suffer from anxiety and depression. And if you’re reading this and can relate to what I am going through, I hope you feel less alone.
Until these concussion related problems dissipate, I’m going to keep fighting against it. I’ll keep climbing out of the dark hole, I’ll keep trying to smile. I still have my will to fight and it will not defeat me. Anxiety and Depression will have their place for a while it seems, but I refuse to let them define me. I refuse to give up hope for an end to all this inner madness.
And so today I do battle in my head. I hope if you’re feeling DOWN, that you’ll fight for the UP with me! And if you’re already UP, how about you grab the hand of someone who is DOWN, and drag them UP to you. Or throw a couple Xanax or Valium at them. Be friend will ya?
P.S. A friend of mine linked me this video, HAPPY!, and it brought me a genuine smile. It was just what I needed to find true happiness today, and a grip on reality. I looked at my son and remembered his first words and how his laugh used to sound when he was a baby. Thanks C!
P.P.S. When I went to do the tags after finishing this post, one of them was “Lady Gaga”. I thought about why she was suggested. It has to be because of my mention of pills and living in an alternate reality. I tagged her because WordPress would never lead me astray….